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Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.    -    Mark Twain


 

from Saturday, Feb 18, 2017

Historical Photographs  - 1944

 

           "Der Fuhrer is gonna shit when he finds out no one brought the chairs."*
"Don't be lookink at me, Doenitz vas supposed to bring them"
"Oh sheeez, I forgot to tell him."                               


 

 

*  *  *

 

from Monday, April 03, 2017

Singer Harry's Christmas Album

INTERIOR - RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
Singer Harry is about to begin recording his first Christmas album. There are some decorations evident. In the Control Room are the Musical Director KEVIN, his Personal Assistant GIRL, and the ENGINEER. They are watching through the glass as Singer HARRY dons a head-set in his sound booth. We hear the pre-recorded orchestral intro music. The song is Mistletoe and Holly.

FADE IN:

MUSICAL DIRECTOR KEVIN
 
          Cue for Harry's Christmas Album.


The music swells, Singer Harry appears ready.

SINGER HARRY (singing)
          Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mister Toe and holly, tasty ...

M.D. KEVIN
          Cut! (laughing) 
          Go again, a little slip there, Harry. No problem.

SINGER HARRY   (looks oddly at them)
          Sure, Kevin.

 
The Engineer starts the music again.

SINGER HARRY
          Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mister Toe and ...

M.D. KEVIN
          Cut!  Harry?

SINGER HARRY
          What?   What's going on?

M.D. KEVIN   (trying to laugh)
          You did it again.

SINGER HARRY (puzzled, looks through glass at the others) 
          Did what again?


The Engineer glances at Kevin. P.A. Girl just shrugs, chews her gum.

M.D. KEVIN
          Harry, you're saying Mister TOE. 

SINGER HARRY  (after a pause, still staring) 
          Yeah, so?

M.D. KEVIN
          Okay, Ha ha. I get it. He's funny. Isn't he funny?


Musical Director Kevin looks to the others for confirmation that they also think Singer Harry is joking. They seem doubtful. Singer Harry is peering at them all.

P.A. GIRL  (nodding at Engineer)  
          He's funny.

ENGINEER
          Yeah, funny.

M.D. KEVIN
          Harry, you're saying Mister Toe instead of Mistletoe.

SINGER HARRY
          I am saying - Oh by gosh by jolly, it's time for Mister Toe and holly. 

M.D. KEVIN
          Now you said by gosh by JOLLY! It is mistletoe not MISTER TOE,  and golly not jolly.

SINGER HARRY
          I've always sung it Mister Toe. That's the words.

M.D.KEVEN (exasperated)  
          No, they're not Harry, it is mistletoe, what you do at Christmas. Under the mistletoe, get it?

SINGER HARRY
          We never had mistletoe since Mom and Neighbour Bill that time.

M.D. KEVIN  (sigh)
          Just do the words, Harry.

SINGER HARRY
          Kevin, my uncle sang that song to me when I was four, and every year since. I know the song. 

P.A. GIRL  (whisper to Kevin)
          I think he thinks those ARE the words.

M.D. KEVIN (tapping his mic)
          Harry, your uncle was kidding you.

ENGINEER
          How could he sing it all this time without knowing? It's the name of the song.

SINGER HARRY  (a bit defensive)
          Have you got the lyrics there?

M.D. KEVIN
          Seriously Harry? YOU said you didn't need the freakin' lyrics.

P.A. GIRL
          I didn't bring the song sheet. He said he knew it all his life.

ENGINEER  (now covering his mic)
          Do we have to prove it to him?

M.D. KEVIN
          Harry, just sing mistletoe instead of Mister Toe. Okay?


The Engineer starts the music intro again. Singer Harry ignores it, taking off his headset.

SINGER HARRY
          But I've always sang it like that.

M.D. KEVIN
          How could you? Didn't you ever wonder what Mister Toe meant?

Singer Harry thinks a bit, but just stares through the glass at Musical Director Kevin.

P.A. GIRL  (whispering aloud)
          Maybe he thinks a big toe comes down the chimney?

 
That is too much for Engineer and he tries to hide his laughter.

 
SINGER HARRY
          Well what d'you think it means?

 M.D. KEVIN
          Harry, there is no Mister-freakin'-Toe in the song! Can we just do this?

 
The intro music just keeps repeating.

 P.A. GIRL
          I can go and find the lyric sheet.
 
ENGINEER
          I could use the overtime.

 SINGER HARRY
          You think it says mistletoe huh?

M.D. KEVIN
          I KNOW it says mistletoe. And it is golly not jolly. oh my gosh my GOLLY, not jolly. I mean BY gosh BY golly. Egad, you're making me crazy.

SINGER HARRY
          Hey, jolly is good too.

P.A. GIRL  (solemnly shaking her head)
          No one's jolly here.

M.D. KEVIN
          Harry, we're not rewriting a new song. This one is an OLD song. Sinatra was a co-writer of it. Can you just do it with mistletoe and forget whoever the hell Mister Toe is?

SINGER HARRY
          Hey, I'm easy, you got it.


The Engineer re-cues the intro and it starts. They all stare through the glass with trepidation at Singer Harry as he re-positions his head phones but needs to readjust and Engineer starts the intro yet once again. Singer Harry ends up holding just one earpiece to his ear.

SINGER HARRY  (singing again)
          Oh my gosh by golly, it's time for ... mistletoe and holly, poolside tables, Betty's Grables, peasants under the snow .....

The Engineer looks at Musical Director Kevin, throws up his arms in frustration but leaves it go.  P.A. Girl is wide-eyed with disbelief.

SINGER HARRY
          Oh my gosh you tinkles,  Grammaw's got new wrinkles, Mother's drinking, Father's stinking, and no one knows where to go .....

The Engineer slowly turns down the volume in the control room.

M.D. KEVIN


The Engineer fades the music to the control room out. Musical Director Kevin turns away and thumbs through a notebook.

M.D. KEVIN
          We paid for the orchestra. They said it would be easy.


P.A. Girl is strengthening her mascara while blowing bubble gum. Engineer takes a comic book from under his console, then a rolled cigarette from behind his ear and sniffs it. Musical Director Kevin just hangs his head.

We watch Harry in the booth, there is no audio now and he is not heard but we see he is totally oblivious while singing his heart out!


ANGLE ON:
We pan back to the console room, there is no one there.

FADE OUT:  

 

 

 


from Thursday, Dec 24, 2015
Last Chance Santa

  
  
Joe - Dear Santa, this year I want a Ferrari, red; and a bow and arrow (again); and a small boat for fishing, not too big, just enough for days on the lake; and that 50 inch hi def TV I saw in Best Buy; and tickets to all the Pro games in this city; and maybe a box of Cubans; and a couple cases of that Stella girl's beer.

   
Santa - Wait a minute, Joe, kids don't smoke Cubans or drink beer, who you trying to fool?

    
Joe - I'm not a kid, Santa, I'm a fifty-six year old male whose been writing you for 51 years and you haven't come through yet. Its time you did.

    
Santa - Well sorry to disappoint you, Joe, old guy, but I don't deliver ridiculous gifts to the withered gray elderly.

    
Joe - That's cruel. Maybe you might want to start. You can't expect to ignore a little boy-teenager-middle management guy-now divorced-unemployed-full grown man forever without him being ticked off and looking into your situation.

    
Santa - Situation? I just work my ass off packing presents for every kid in the world, and deliver the whole frigging mess on one night. That's the situation.

    
Joe - You never thought anyone was gonna find out what you do up there the rest of the year though, did you? I noticed you changed most of those ugly little warty elves to pretty perky girlie elfs for starters. And they don't wear the green Loden jackets and pointy caps  now do they? You shop for them secretly at Victoria's, don't you. I heard some of them might be thespians.

     Santa - I give them auditions  .... sometimes. Who told you about that? 

    
Joe - Never mind, and all the new ones do is sit around filing their nails. And those working elves you fired are getting uglier too, they're saying things about you, and mad about not having their one lusty day a year with Mrs. Claus while you are out flying across the skies.

    
Santa - You can't prove any of this. Mrs. Claus was tired of the toy factory and had the elves diligently making 10 inch Leaning Towers of Pisa out of wax. We've been estranged since. And you're not getting any Ferrari either.

    
Joe - You're pretty smug Santa, never thought anyone would check the Geographic North Pole did you? Everyone was looking at the Magnetic North Pole.

    
Santa - I can tell you're dumb, Joe, anyone who wrote to me for 51 years with no reply just doesn't get it. I'll give you the six pack of beer and that's it. It is Stella Artois by the way.

    
Joe - Nothing artsy about Stella, she's the one with the big red lips. They are those candy ones and you didn't even notice. Could have sent Kaitlin and Rue Paul up there too you horny old curmudgeon. That's what you get when you hire from Craigslist Gigs.

    
Santa - What do you want, Joe? You can't destroy a legend, people love me all around the world. Main Stream Media won't even give you a minute on TV. They're having too much fun giving out NORAD reports of where I am flying. Kids are listening with their greedy little hearts pumping Red Bull.

    
Joe - Oh yeah? Look what happened to Fatty Arbuckle, and that wasn't true. What about the WMDs and that Saddam guy? He got hanged, you know, and not under the Christmas tree either. You can be destroyed with innuendo,  I just have to say you know Charlie Sheen!  And what if I start calling you Sinterklaas, you know how Fox News reports on anything Germanic.

    
Santa - You're stretching now, Joe. I can tell you've got nothing on me. Just go ahead and take the rejection again. I'll toss in four Cubans. Now go away, I've got work to do.

    
Joe - Is part of your work, dancing with Sugar Plum soccer Moms while Hubby snores upstairs on Christmas Eve?

    
Santa - I show my appreciation for milk and cookies and hubby's 12 year old Scotch, that's all. 

    
Joe - You're out of it, Santa, the elves don't even like you, they replaced Blitzen last year with a Clydesdale named Henry and you missed it altogether. What work? Saying a sweet goodbye to your girlie elfs?

    
Santa - We are equal opportunity employers up here, Joe. Take the deal. I'm putting you on the block list. You know damned well that you can say what you want about me now in December 24, 2015, but by December 24 in 2016 they'll have forgotten it all. It's the way the world works, Joe, people now think Darth Cheney is the good guy, he has his own action figure! Take the deal.

    
Joe - I need the bow and arrow, Santa, that was in my first letter fifty one years ago. And every one since. Last chance, Santa or I tell all, including the elfie massage with the 'happy ending'.

     Santa - Ok, you get the bow, now go back to your Mother's basement and behave yourself.

    
Joe - Thank you Santa. Merry Christmas.

    
Santa - Piss off, Joe.



Merry Christmas




     Santa - Psst! He's not getting the arrow though.








 
from Saturday, May16, 2015
Karate Mantis
 

 

Mister Miyagi where are youuuuuuuuuuu? 
I don' think it's gonna work this time!

 

 

Use the Force, Luke.

 
OMG wrong fuckin' movie, Sensei! 



 
Wash the car then, Grasshopper. 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 


from Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Exercise Program

Bob's body parts face a dilemma ...
.


                      "So what's up with this?"

Brain             "Who's that?"

Thigh             "Me, Thigh. He's nearly running again today."

Brain             "Yeah he's started on some kind of exercise thing."

Thigh             "Well, I'm still aching from yesterday. I don't like it at all."

Foot               "You think that's bad, he's had those Adidas for 6 years, and now he wants to start running on them?
                        They're worn out for Pete's sake! My arches are falling."  

Thigh             "C'mon Brain, no one wants an exercise program, what 's wrong with him sitting at his computer all day?"

Heart             "That was nice and relaxing, I never had to beat over 50 bpm. I could nap from lunch to dinner time. 
                        And at night with TV I could just lie there in a warm pool of blood."

Knees           "Yes, Brain, nag him about his bad knees again. I did what I could last night, ached and ached."

Thigh             "So how determined is he anyway? I think he'll quit soon."

Brain             "Sometimes I can't tell him anything, it's like his mind has a mind of it's own."

Lungs            "Hey, that is your JOB, Brain. I can hardly keep up with all this oxygen!  I used to be able to take every 
                        second breath off. Now I feel like some kind of vacuum pump in a lead mine."

Brain             "You parts need to remember how good it was when he used to run the Sea Wall every day.
                        And do gym exercise too."

Stomach        "I liked that, he could eat cake whenever he wanted, and those donuts with pink icing."

Thigh             "It's not all about you and your lascivious pleasures, Stomach. Some of us have to work for a living.  Walking  two
                      miles is excessive! From bed to computer or TV is just right. No one needs to do more than that."          

Ego                "He's doing it to look good, doesn't want to get old and ugly."

ID                  "He's already old, he should face it and quit picking out grey hairs and trimming his eyebrows. No girl is gonna look
                      at him. And there's a wonderful variety of canes out now. How can I make him cantankerous if he's looking good?"

Thigh            "Well if he tries this fast walk thing again tomorrow I'm getting a Charlie Horse."

Foot             "I might be able to rub up a few blisters ..... ID, couldn't you steer him into a tree or something?"

Ego               "Don't ask ID to do stuff like that, you're flirting with disaster."

ID                  "I don't flirt with anybody. I'll kick a puppy if you like."

Thigh            "We need to stay on target and stop this madness of exercise."

Lungs            "I tried gasping but he just waits a minute and starts up again."   

Stomach       "I can't do much, he's drinking gallons of water. And only eats one cookie at a time now."  

Muscles         "If he starts doing sit-ups we're all in trouble. The thing about pain is that it feels so good when it stops."

Brain             "You parts quit grumbling and wait and see what happens."

Rectum         "Um ... could I say something?"

 

Brain             "No, you're never serious. You always make fun of the rest of us."

Thigh             "Yeah, shut up Rectum."

Rectum         "Think about it. Would that really be a good idea?"

Stomach       "Constipa .... C'mon I can't deal with back-up again."

Brain             "Okay okay, what is it then, Rectum? And no wise cracks."

Rectum         "I just wanted to remind you of how good it was the last time he was active like this."

Thigh             "Meaning exactly what?"

Rectum         "Everything worked properly. And when he went on the toilet he always had great bowel movements. ..... 
                        They were sooo good."

Brain              "What?"

Rectum          "They were soooooo good ....."

Thigh              "I get it awready, so how good were they?"

Rectum          "They were so good he couldn't flush without saying goodbye! Ha ha ha ha ha. "

 

                      "Asshole."

Rectum          "Who said that?"

Brain              "Oh sheeeez."

Thigh              "What  're we gonna do?"


 

 


 



 

from Thursday,December 12, 2013
Dali and Disney
 
Candid conversation between Salvador and Walt showing off a mini train engine. 
 
 
 
"Walter, I teenk this would look mucho better if we melted it a leettle bit. "
 
     "Sal, that's a crazy idea. Are you fucking Goofy? "
 
         "No, I am nod dat way, but could hit Minnie if she was available."

 

 


 

from Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Solutions

 

The Port Mann bridge had horrendous problems last year with ice forming on the cables, and when it got too heavy, falling off and landing on cars below. Causing a lot of damage. All because the cables go up to a center post and are over the traveled portion of road instead of along the sides like a normal suspension bridge. (who am I to question those brainy engineers)
Of course this cable twist above the pavement created a huge nuisance. And the Bridge people are trying to solve it.

Yes, of course I have a solution that would be win win for everyone. It's just a matter of keeping the ice off the cables. Sure they could use heavy equipment at high cost but my way is cheaper.


So if there is an elevator inside those huge cable posts, it would help a lot.   Or not.
You see, in mid winter we have many homeless people roaming the Vancouver area. Those poor folk are doing all they can to survive. My idea would help them a lot. And they have nowhere to go anyway. 

 
What we do, you see, is hoist those homeless people up to the top of the cable towers. The people are usually loaded with extra donated Sally Anne clothing that is often out of style anyway, like those old Russian Army type woolen overcoats etc. We strap them at the top, onto the cables, even using a handcuff if they were not going to be able to hold on for the slide down ....  And then let them go, clutching to the cable. Yes? And while descending, they would sort of scrape the cable free of ice and snow. 

 
 
We would have to secure them to the cables because falling onto windshields below would cause breakage and the people driving home would get damned cold with no windshield. Not to mention having a frozen passenger clinging to the dashboard. And if the homeless people do make it to the bottom, we could give them a blanket and maybe some red licorice twisters and a slider. A Happy Meal. Even a Treo sticker so they could walk across the Port Mann bridge whenever they wanted. 

 

 I believe this would be a practical way to keep the bridge cables free of ice in the winter. And keep a lot of people from crossing the Fraser under threat of ice bombs. Well it's better than the one about having the traffic go 1 mile per hour so the exhaust fumes melt the ice. And besides, people would get home too late. If you're gonna pay 5 bucks to cross you don't want to spend $15 in gas!
 

I agree I haven't solved the 'looking up' problem of motorists yet,  

    "Hey, Martha look, there's one coming down now!    Wow they go fast...... Oooo   ................ bummer."
    "Oh my gawd Bernie!  Did he bounce into the river?"

    "It's okay, he's on his way to Vancouver." 

 

 

Okay okay, it may be a little scary but I am working on it. I noticed that junkyards have a lot of those old fifties windshield visors left over from 49 Pontiacs. We could have a machine clip the visor on at one end and take it off at the other. Or ..... perhaps there is yet another opportunity to help the poor?

     In the next segment we'll reveal how to attach the visors ....
     if we can solve the finger freeze problem. 
     Those homeless people only wear fingerless  gloves so they can pick up butts
     and nickels better. Unless they're some kind of a fashion statement.

 


So you see?  There's always a solution. 
 

 

 

from Saturday, December 1, 2012
So you think YOUR day was bad?

 

Der Fuehrer ist zo pissed becausen he vas caught vearing leotards und it vas beginink to rain mitt snow und now dumbkopf car vill not shtarten. Get avay mitt Fatherazzi kamera you svinen before I crush mine kap!

 

 


 

 

from Friday, November 16, 2012
Marijuana and BC Bud

 

Okay, don't pretend you don't know what BC Bud is. It is NOT Budweiser beer, although it may be just about as famous!
This post comes about because voters in Washington State and Colorado, said 'Yes' on the recent measures to legalize the sale of pot to adults, without the need of a doctor's prescription. Already 17 states allow the use of marijuana for medical reasons. In the near future in Washington State you'll be able to buy a joint at Mary Jane's Weed Cafe whether you're sick or not.

So here in British Columbia, Canada, how will this affect us? We are assured by police and Canada Customs, that IF this all comes about, buying a joint in Bellingham and driving home to BC with it drooping from our lower lip will surely result in arrest! Even in Washington, DUIs will become DUhighs with a huge fine! And while the border guy might ignore those shoes you couldn't resist, he will pull you aside for the smell he detects. Out comes the sniffer dog. You don't want that. Even if the dog doesn't smell pot in your car, they don't trim his nails and he'll destroy your upholstery! So don't think you're smart by flicking out the burning butt as you pass Ferndale!

The problem for us is that we here in BC,  have become famous/notorious for our own brand of maryjane called BC Bud. A highly potent smoke that leaves you mellow, cuddly and grinning as you fill up with Doritos!
 

How did this BC Bud fame come about?
Well we have many many grow-ops in BC. Even in a new subdivision, certain people buy up new homes with a minimum down payment, move in a Vietnamese family who is forbidden to use electricity, (you spot them because they BBQ all winter) and the inside of the home becomes one grow-op using power not too far over what a normal family might use. And they make up the costs on their first harvested crop! On farms with barns, you might be warned of dogs on duty. In one case the operators had BEARS on guard!
In the Interior, there has been evidence of huge underground bunkers full of thousands of plants basking in artificial light. The criminals, as advanced as any construction company, find a little valley, move metal shipping containers into it, wire it up and then bring in earth moving equipment and bury the whole complex! Now THAT is initiative.

And these growing of plants here in BC are very sophisticated operations. Horticultural skills are well developed! They know when to plant, how to nurture, what to feed them, and how to trim and when exactly to harvest! These people could teach horticultural therapy at UBC.

So, who do we credit for the huge success of BC Bud? If you follow the police reports and newspaper articles, it would seem that certain groups like the Hells Angels have embraced this technology astoundingly well. Of course this is alleged. And if you believe the Hells Angels are mostly hairy-armed crooks, Vancouver President Rick Ciarnello once made this valid comment to a reporter, (paraphrased) "If you think we are crooks, you need to look at the ones in Parliament, that's where the real crooks are." 

And if you think that perhaps these Hell Angels might be responsible for growing the best pot in North America, then why shouldn't we give them credit for their expertise? Many people say if we in Canada ever pass a law allowing the government to grow and tax it, which is the ultimate destination of pot culture, then a government will give us the same thing they always do when involved; a watered down, over priced, bureaucratically interfered with product that might only serve as mulch for your African Violets!

IF, the Hells Angels are responsible for the quality of the product, why can't we give credit where credit is due and keep the high standard going. Maybe we could offer them a contract to grow for the province? Or even all of Canada because if one province goes, certainly others will follow, and it'll end up that BC Bud will flourish legally throughout our great dominion! No one wants to smoke Ontario sludge or Arctic char anyway.
The question is, do you want high quality merchandise or something like those inferior toxic products from China? And you KNOW that if our Federal government becomes involved, we might as well be puffing reed sticks from the beach.

I think the Hells Angels have worked hard and long to establish BC Bud as the premier brand of weed and we should be thankful that the standard is set so high. They have beaten back Acapulco Gold, Hawaiian Pakalolo, had to compete with
Southeast Asia, South America, Mexico, and have prevailed. That is free enterprise at its most efficient and if you believe that many so-called criminal organizations crave for legitimacy, (we all saw 'The Godfather') then you might think that some of those burly guys would look okay in blue suits and silk ties instead of black leather and chains. Nobody shaves anymore anyway.

And start thinking about a mascot. Budweiser has the Clydesdales. Maybe we could have the Kermode Bear, strong but kind of friendly looking. And he's also called the 'Spirit Bear'.

Right. That's it then.

Meanwhile, don't do anything silly and see your doctor about that chronic pain, you may be able to get a prescription for it.


Psst! You might need to try several doctors.

 

 

 

 

from Friday, July 20, 2012
Leave them alone
 

Fred Willard went to an adult movie theater. Someone must have followed him there and somehow the police were called and Fred was arrested for lewd conduct. Are these the same people who followed Pee Wee Herman into his theater?  I believe that was the charge against Pee Wee too.
Both of these men lost their jobs and had a tremendous crash to their careers.

But it was in an adult theater, there is no such thing as lewd conduct in an adult theater. You are supposed to do lewd things in there. The screen is filled with lewd people lewding each other! The lewd attendees, having paid with lewd money, and sitting a discrete 5 rows from each other are thinking lewd thoughts, with overcoats over their lewd laps and perhaps a napkin in their trembling hands. It is an ADULT theater. For porn, get it?

 

Fred Willard is now 76. Viagra pills cost about $15 each. Admission to these theaters (for seniors) is about $7. There is no sense taking a Viagra if you have no one to share the results with. 
What about Pee Wee? Did the poor little man ever proposition a hooker without being laughed at? Did she turn him down because she didn't have her pigtails on? Where was he supposed to go? And what kind of reporter follows Pee Wee around until he slips into a Triple X theater? Is Fred Willard a target for TMZ? If he really is he should be proud of it and hold a press conference! Maybe cry and apologize for the behavior of the reporter and demonstrate a dramatic ability. His career might take off in a completely new direction.
Was Charlie Sheen lewd? Nope, they couldn't get him because he admitted it all and the girls liked him! Charlie USED the people from TMZ to further his career!

What exactly IS lewd? I'll tell you what lewd is;
     Lewd is the CEO of BP defying the US President while destroying the Gulf fishery.
     Lewd is Dick Cheney over-riding the US Constitution while shooting a guy in the face.
     Lewd is George Bush lying about WMDs in order start a vengeance war.
     Lewd is Michele Bachmann maligning a whole people for Repugnican brownie points.
     Lewd is Rush Limbaugh making fun of Michael J Fox's debilitating disease.
     Lewd is serial child molester Jerry Sandusky and the whole board of Penn State.
     Lewd is the unnamed executives behind the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae scandals.
     Lewd are the paparazzi who hound people day and night for an uncomplimentary photo.
     Lewd is the mainstream media for ignoring LIBOR scandals in favor of Jennifer Aniston.

Lewd is much bigger than following a fading celebrity into a darkened movie house.

Willard is a veteran comedic actor who has appeared in more than 200 films. He most often portrays characters who seem daft or absent-minded but are nonetheless likeable. Pee Wee seemed to be a naive spacey character who was harmless to all. They've said Fred will be offered a diversion course and will be allowed to enroll in counseling to resolve a lewd conduct arrest that cost the actor his job on a public television program. The police have to do their job, but why not arrest everyone else in that theater too? It was in L.A. surely someone got shot somewhere that day. I would suggest the people on my above lewd list need counseling a lot more than Fred.

We know the targets to come, John Travolta seems to be one. They're itching to get him. And Tom Cruise for sure, but he's pretty smart, that mission might be impossible. They got George Michael but it didn't seem to take, he just went and did a concert with Elton John. They're watching George Clooney pretty carefully too, far too handsome and successful. And a little dangerous if they're not careful. Anderson Cooper took himself out of a controversy by coming out. And the society gossip media seems to be tired of catching congressmen and senators in airport stalls. Not lurid enough, their wives always stick by them for the shopping and the men are just too pathetic.  Didn't these gossip media people get it with Bill Clinton? No one cared!

It's not like the olden days, is it? When the Hollywood media protected Rock Hudson, Johnny Mathis and Tab Hunter. Today it's about trying to destroy people. But I'm asking, what's the point? Don't all these famous people have a right to privacy sometime too? A moment alone without scrutiny? A holiday retreat in private? A quiet movie?
Maybe not, as long as supermarkets exist with magazine racks at the check-out full of vicarious thrills it'll never end. Too bad.

Maybe Fred and Pee Wee could put together a new act. Take it on the road. We've had the Vagina Monologues, why can't we have the Penile Duologues? Maybe reinvigorate PeeWee's Playhouse with Fernwood Tonight and call it Good Wood with your PeeWee Tonight? Or make them both spies wearing shades and trench-coats in a flashy TV show called Secret Servicing? Or something dark and morose, like Ingmar Bergman cinema, call it The Five Fingers. Can you see Fred as a Swede, saying, "Jah, und der barometer vas fallink und I vas standing oonder it."  With PeeWee as a Peter Lorre caricature.

As for me, well, I am a wannabe actor too. I need that embarrassing shot and the pulpy publicity. I'm going to hang outside of an adult movie house and smile at the cars going by like those free car wash girls. Somebody might notice me. I promise to drop my pants too, should it be boxers or briefs? I tried leaving my fly open but a hooker just walked over, zipped it up, smacked me and warned I'd get arrested for insufficient exposure.



Damn. Just when you want something you can't get it. The photographer told me to get outa the picture as he was taking this one.

But I'll be back tomorrow.  After I call TMZ to tell 'em where I am.

Say anything you want about me but spell my name right. Okay?



Meanwhile leave Fred alone, he don't hurt nobody.
 

 


 

 

 

The Date

 

I love the production values in Heineken commercials.

 

 


 

from Saturday, July 09, 2012
This is a Public Service Announcement
 

Really.
Health Canada has just announced the removal from sale of a product called Lightning Rod. In an advisory released Friday they found that testing identified a hidden ingredient, hydroxythiohomosildenafil, which can be dangerous to people with heart problems, who are at risk of stroke or are taking nitrate drugs. Lightning Rod is a product used to treat erectile dysfunction.
 

Hydroxythiohomosildenafil is similar to sildenafil, the active ingredient in Cialis and Viagra and should only be used under the treatment of a doctor. Or maybe an elocutionist if you're trying to say what you want. It may be called elucidation, although sedation could just as easily take effect.
Health Canada warns that people with heart problems, including high blood pressure, a history of heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heart beat or chest pain are at higher risk of problems if they take sildenafil to help them achieve an erection.
People huh? Be gender specific, women don't take this stuff. Only men with glazed over eyes and dreams of conquest. Other possible side-effects of using sildenafil include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, dizziness, abnormal vision and hearing loss.

It's the side effects isn't it? Always is. Like those CNN medicine ads that tell you they can fix what's wrong with you but the long list of side effects always ends with, 'You may experience death.'  Gets me too. So just when you think you've got the key to a youthful interlude with your loved one, they tell you there's something wrong by adding a big long word with Xs and Ys  in it.

But let's look at those side effects, perhaps we can help;

You want to have that teener erection, like the time when you were 13 at school and Becky was sitting on the stairs with her legs apart. How many times did you walk by? Furtively glancing, stealthily flushing, secretly fantasizing. Noticeably swelling. But that was then, this is now. You're part of the grey Over-the-Hill Mob now.

So you go for the product Lightning Rod. Even the name has excitement. A jagged bolt from the sky filled with heat and thunder. You have memories of your olden days when you proudly presented that thing to your future wife and invited her to, 'meet the President.'
But that first on the list headache could come on. Not the same one she uses, that's called selective migraine. This one is written clearly on the package. Headache. Damn it hurts. So far it's working only to the extent that your head is swelling INSIDE your skull. As long as no blood vessels pop, you should be okay.

Next is the facial flush. This is nothing like the redness you get and try to hide when playing poker with the guys and you have a Royal Flush in your hand. Nope. This is just old man going up the basement stairs out of breath with red blood-pressure 280 over 11 kind of flush with something else in his hand. And it's not appealing at all. Wifey won't say, when she comes in the door from work, "Oh my, what's that bulging in your pants?" She'll more likely yell, "Why are your red eyes bugging out like that?" and she'll push you into a soft chair and call 9-1-1! NOT what you wanted, you sexy old bugger. And you know the paramedics will only grin when they find out what you've done! And no one wants to see what you were so proud of down there in the dark when you took the pill! Did you ever think to check a mirror? There's nothing so laughable than a pretending to be angry penis.

So here comes the next one, indigestion. At last, a symptom you're comfortable with. You have Tums in the candy dish. Don't they make Bromo Seltzer any more? You used to enjoy it with rye whiskey until it took out your liver. Indigestion and you haven't even eaten anything yet. Well except for the left over sardine pizza. Those belches ain't gonna make her feel sexy, Bud, especially with that breath.

And dizziness. This is becoming critical. Why is the room spinning? How can you greet her at the door with a lightning rod if you have to clutch at the walls to get there? You just pulled down the curtain rod. You could put on tango music and slide along the wall. No, she'd just laugh at that. And the only thing pulsating would be your heart, trying to get blood past your stent!Valentino slinked in the sand but he didn't slide across the hardwood. Okay okay. Be AT the door when she walks in. No need to slink or slip. Maybe it's sink or swim? Dizziness is not sexy. You remember when you finally got Becky to go out with you and you slipped a little extra into her drink and when you got amorous she just fell down on the floor and threw up on your suede shoes? Dizziness is not sexy. Just warning you, after all this is a PSA.

What else is written on the package? You say you can't read the bloody package with abnormal vision! As long as you can see her it should be okay, but wait, sheez, is she going to be a blur? What if it's her mother? She comes over on Wednesday nights, doesn't she? Is memory loss on the package too? You can't greet your mother-in-law with a blurry lightning rod. Well it won't be blurry to the Watch Commander, will it? And abnormal doesn't just mean blur, it could be a whole mess of vision things. Things that aren't there. Well THAT is still there, but what if Wifey''s late and it get's into that three hour warning period and those paramedics are wheeling you out on a gurney with a tent in the blanket on your way to get the deflation procedure while she walks up the driveway! Everyone will have a grin on their face except YOU! Might as well push yourself down the basement stairs and just .... die.

What's that you say? Can't hear? Cup your ear. Hearing loss is on the monograph too. Wifey will walk in from work, tell you she's dead tired, has a throbbing headache, it's been a rough day and her boss is a bastard and all you will hear her say is; "Honey, I need you so badly, I can't wait to have sex with you and your Thunderbolt friend." Ba-a-ad mistake. That abnormal heart rate and chest pains have nothing to do with pills and everything to do with Wifey being pissed off! Now she's trying to assassinate the President with her umbrella! Lightning can strike even out of a blue sky!

Is the music still playing? Why can't you hear it? Turn up the tango. Gawd, are you having a stroke? Are you even in the right apartment? You're not sure if Lightning Rod is supposed to work like that. You had to lie crosswise on the toilet to pee. That can't be right. Your ears feel funny. Your toes are even swollen. You kicked the coffee table leg and didn't feel it. You're walking around bumping into things. Even the dog is hiding from you. You're going into mental bankruptcy. And after you swallowed that pill in the basement and imagined sensory overload. Ah, vanity has slain the most brave warriors.


So you can see why Health Canada pulled the product.
The warning is to go see your doctor if you are having erectile problems. You could face a personal disaster if you imagine stalking, lying in wait and attacking your wife as she comes in the door from work! It's just too complicated to contemplate the consequences.  You've been conned by Lightning Rod.

But don't be so hard on yourself.

This has been a Public Service Announcement, paid for by the committee to re-erect the President.

 

 

 

from Mondey,December 20, 2013
Plans for War

 

Ferry Porsche is showing Hitler the very first Volkswagen ....

Ferry Porsche - "You see Adolph. Ve hide der motor into ze boot at rear, vhen British look for motor unter der bonnet in front, ve tell za swine our autocar runs on AIR! Zey vill give up, ve win der war."

Adolph - "Ingenious Ferry! Und where is das air cumink from?"

Ferry Porsche - "But Adolph, it ist not air, ve only tellink British it is air."

Adolph - "Ve could use old air pumps from Hindenburg refueling field. Zat blimp ist not comink back anyway."

Ferry Porsche - "Ja, vee could, but zay are helium pumps for der airship. Zee autocar runs on gas."

Adolph - "Gas? Ah clever, passink wind will run zee car, you hear zat, Doenitz?  Und bratwurst is plentiful."

Officer at back - (whisper)  "Der freakin' Fartswagen."

Ferry Porsche - (sigh) "Okay Adolph, air it vill be."

Admiral Doenitz - "Und if ve run out of air, ve could fling dem beetle bugs across der Englisch channel filled mit explosives."

Adolph - "Ja, Admiral, filled mit helium zay vill float high und blow up well. Toss a few of dese vagens at der Poland volks in der mornink."

Admiral Doenitz - "Ja Mine Fuehrer. I start za war now."

Adolph - (satisfied deep inhale) "Air. Ingenious! Ferry, make tanks mit air too."


Ferry Porsche - (under breath) "Good Grief."

 


 

from Saturday, June 02, 2012
Grey Power!
 

Grey Power has arrived. (gnarled fist in air)
The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin', as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and advice!

The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in 2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%.  In Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!

What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming we can get there ....

Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs. And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same. Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with Paverotti vocals!  The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
 

Ocarina, around for 12000 years
 

The ocarina might make a comeback too.  Justin Beaver could be playing Miss the Mississippi and You on a sweet potato whilst trying a new hair look. (remember 'whilst'?) Gangsta Rap will be a bully at crosswalks yelling down the time count before the red light.
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly, is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.

Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. They're only good for hiding your Depends anyway.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.

Employment: There will be much more work from home because employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work.  And because your retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon, your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in and f#%$ up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.

Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it! 

Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long.  Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic. Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except 'may cause death'.

Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become literature.  But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram,  
The Bertameister   Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.

Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future? Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.

Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you? Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you? To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you, thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened, locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem soon.
 

Joan Rivers in 2035
 

And you ladies will benefit too. Joan Rivers being a shiny example of what can be done with plaster of Paris, paper maché and flesh colored latex. And a team of Botox doctors on retainer.
Inflation may become a medical procedure. 

Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You Can Stand, Dancing with the ScarsAmerican Idle and Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 year old? Hosted by a guy named Al Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spin-off being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass for fear of forcing a shart with his boot.
Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.

Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass.  NBA will switch to hula hoops. Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong because no one ever hits it back.

Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun, (that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber. And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's hologram.

Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the 14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one remembers and it didn't matter anyway.

Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally set everything right.  Evolvement will stop.  Involvement may stop.  Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout toes and prostates.

Happy birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into the hot tub again.


Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather Clock impression.

Would you like gum or gin?

 

Um  ...... Can you still chew gum?

 

 

 

 


 

from Monday, April 02, 2012
Here's how it works in BC
 

The Victoria Parliament Buildings at midnight. A meeting in the janitor's closet between two men ... both are wearing grey fedoras and black trenchcoats, with Groucho Marx glasses and fake mustaches. They are whispering ....

BC Ferries guy - We need a price increase of about four percent to cover our next years bonuses and payouts to executives  for great service to the people.
BC Liberal guy - Listen, we always gotta consider the backlash to fare increases. Uh, lose the cigar, would you?
BC Ferries guy - Backlash?  That was only because David was making a million a year and the ridership didn't like it. 
BC Liberal guy - David?  
BC Ferries guy - David Hahn.The last CEO of BC Ferries.
(BC Liberal guy slits open the door and peaks out. No sound from the eerie marble hallway) 
BC Liberal guy - Oh yeah. The guy who was in charge when that ferry sank.
BC Ferries guy - Um, we don't talk about that one, okay?
BC Liberal guy - Well, he took the spotlight away from Gordo's salary and pensions.
BC Ferries guy - Gordo who?

BC Liberal guy - Gordon Campbell, the ex Premier who we hid in England.
BC Ferries guy - Oh, yeah, I heard about that. The Gordon's gin guy. We toast him with tumblers. What about our fare increase?
BC Liberal guy - No prob. What 'll we say you need it for? Gas? 
BC Ferries guy - Well diesel, that's what we use. The boats were made in Germany you know, not BC.  Easier to disseminate the money off shore ... if you know what I mean.  (it is so black neither sees the other's wink)

BC Liberal guy - Okay, sure, okay. (pause) Well,  this is how it works here in BC. You come out publicly and ask for, say a 15% increase, we'll have Christy step in and say she's looking after families and only give you like, 4.8%.

BC Ferries guy - What's the .8 percent for?
BC Liberal guy - You'll be in charge of the money, right?
(Silence in the blackness)

BC Liberal guy - Win win for all of us.
BC Ferries guy - Lose lose for ferry riders though. (snicker) Say, who's this Christy anyways?
BC Liberal guy - New boss lady, Christy Campbell, er, I mean Clark. Oops, Freudian slip .... (a tremble in his voice) Sheez, I could get sent to East Vancouver for that.

BC Ferries guy - Oh yeah, I remember, Clark is the BC Rail woman.
BC Liberal guy - Shhh. We don't talk about that one and we don't remember stuff either. (he worriedly puts his ear to the slit and listens carefully) Psst! If anyone comes just grab a broom and start sweeping.
BC Ferries guy - You'll get this through before any elections or anything though, right?
BC Liberal guy - Done. Even before the secret RCMP contract. Say, you haven't seen BC Hydro guy, have you?

BC Ferries guy - I think I saw him in the gardener's tool shed siphoning gas out of a lawn mower. Hey, wanna grab a burger? I know an underground MacDonald's that stays open after midnight.
BC Liberal guy - Sheez, here in Victoria? Does everyone do illegal stuff now? Okay, but let's leave one at a time.
BC Ferries guy -You couldn't go as Harpo, could you?


Since 2003, when the Crown corporation was quasi privatized, BC Ferries' fares have gone up by about 70 per cent on the major routes between Vancouver Island and the Lower Mainland and by 80 per cent on the minor routes, according to a chart on the ferry commissioner's own website.
As the ridership declines, BC Ferries considers charging more from the few remaining passengers. These are the elite brainy people who run British Columbia for huge salaries. 

 

 

 

from Thursday, January 19, 2012
Sale Days at the Drugstore

 

I was browsing through a drugstore ad flyer last night.
They have so many good things in drugstores these days. Mostly women's stuff though. I saw a new product for girl's hair, called Bedhead. Something that musses your hair so you can match your guy's trendy Dumpsterhead I think. I wonder how the comb industry will fight back?
They had some strange groupings of sale products with special offers;
Like these women's briefs called Tena that come in a package. Of course they are made for any leakage that might be embarrassing for a gal. It happens as women grow into olderhood. As a matter of fact I can't tell my wife a joke unless she's already sitting on the toilet. She's afraid to laugh otherwise. But she rarely laughs at my feeble jokes anyway, especially when they're coming at her from under the bathroom door.
But the funny part is that you get a free six pack of Ensure when you buy the Tena briefs! Why can't men's briefs have a similar deal with a 6 of Bud? But then half a dozen beers would cause the leakage wouldn't they.
Another deal was NeoCitran and Buckleys, buy them both and they'll give you a whole CASE of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup!  I assume to negate the infamous taste of the Buckleys, but a whole case? What if I buy like 8 or 10 of each? I could open a soup kitchen.

But the men's thing that really caught my eye was the ad for Trojan condoms. You can get several types; the Originals, called Magnum. Or the Bareskin, or the Ultra Sensitives. Great.
The images with these names are like, er, macho; "the 44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun .... Make my day, Punk .... Did I fire five shots? Or six?" You can feel the powerful Clint glint emanating maleness overwhelming that skinny emo girl with purple and orange hair. She's helplessly receptive to your, Magnum.
And the name Bareskin conjures up a buff loin-clothed Tarzan grabbing the lusty Jane and swinging her off into the jungle sunset! Gawd!  And Jane squirming and pretending to struggle and .... oops, sorry, got sidetracked.
Well, Sensitive Trojans kind of make me think of a poet guy named Seth who always wears a scarf and uses crying to get his sex. Not quite there for me, but guys will try anything. I guess it is macho in a reverse psychology kind of mode. She's sexually sympathetic to your Sensitivity.

Yet this is the first time I have seen an ad for
LARGE in condoms. Yes that's the actual name, in a big bold manguy font too. Now I can't say I know what a large size would cover, but it makes me curious. Bavarian Smokies are one thing, but those huge German bratwursts are another. Where's the division between hot dogs at the ball park and a Louisville Slugger? Joltin' Joe is IN the building!

I know as kids we blew up the regular sizes and had lots of fun with them, you could fill them almost full with water, and find a hill on a rainy day so you could bowl them down the center of the street and they'd go for miles on the wet pavement! And they would inflate to about the size of your thigh leg. You can probably write Der Hindenburg on this Large size and fly them from a tether.
Large has so many connotations. Single guys could carry one when they go to a bar, inadvertently drop one by the table of those girls out for a night on the town. Of course your phone number is scribbled on the package. And keep a couple in your glove box in case of an emergency tire change, keep your hands clean with these rubber mittens. Take the pack out when crossing the border though or you'll be in for a strip search.
And when you buy this Large size, you don't step into the checkout lineup with hesitant stealth as usual, but wait for the cute cashier to open and slide them onto the counter face up, label readily read. L-A-R-G-E. Remember to seem embarrassed about your, um, disfigurement. 

 



Well I am way past using condoms. And never had the need for porn star sizes anyway. But a Large size condom might be very good for keeping extra socks dry on a camping trip. Or maybe keeping your slippers on. You`d never slip. Or filling one with Cheerios and stuffing it down your pants, ala Mr. Softie. Yes a codpiece. Way better than a heavy potato down there, which can be embarrassing when it slips down and falls out your pantleg beside your shoe. Hey, don't look at me I am just guessing. I suppose I could try one, but on me it would seem like a groin goiter, nothing sexy about that. My wife wouldn't ask in a husky voice, "What is that?" pointing coyly with a pinky finger. She'd probably say, "OMG What happened? Did you slip off your bicycle seat again?"  You could use one to keep your tennis balls dry. But no one plays tennis in the rain.

So all these Trojans are considered safety precautions against disease and pregnancy. And Large is something to consider if you are amply endowed. Even if you are not you could 'enhance' the package with those Cheerios. They are on sale too and after all they are the 'Breakfast of Champions'.

But I am no longer a Champion because I am marking the Centrum vitamins, Tylenol ache and pain remedies and Imodium ads. Now that's what drug stores are for. Champion only means Gene Autry's horse to me. OMG there is a connotation in there too!

I see blood pressure monitors are on sale. 
And one size fits all.

I'll be there on sale day.
.

 


 

from Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wife arrested - penis in garbage disposal

 

IIn Garden Grove, California, a wife (allegedly) fed her husband drugged food, tied him naked to a bed, cut off his penis and threw it into the garbage disposal! My gawd, haven't they heard of a safe word? Everyone involved in kink knows that. The police found him bleeding profusely, still tied. And most likely crying.
This woman had a powerful hate on for her estranged husband. And kitchen knives are usually dull. Go look at your butter knife!

At least Lorena Bobbitt just tossed it out the car window. In that case the police went searching along Lorena's route and found it, lying there all innocent and meek having been nearly run over by a cement truck, crows on the overhead wires looking down. They asked one lady if she had seen a penis and she said yes, she had, her uncle's in the shower when she was nine.
They reattached the Bobbitt one.

In this case they didn't say whether a plumber was called to open the sink trap. But they might not have been able to distinguish the remains from the rutabaga she had peeled earlier.
They allege Catherine Kieu Becker drugged the meal and served it to her estranged husband shortly before the attack.
The 51-year-old man felt sick, went to lie down and lost consciousness. The victim's arms and legs were tied to the bed with rope, (not silk rope either)  his clothes removed and he was attacked with the kitchen knife as he awoke. All that holding and sawing, of course he awoke! They said he was conscious when his penis was removed. Like really. Would he doze off?
It was tossed into the running garbage disposal. No thoughts whatsoever of the recycle bin.

You men stop shuddering like that! And you women stop chuckling! It used to be the wife took us for the house, the car and the children, but this? I now cringe when my wife throws a rotton old banana into the disposal.

Ms Becker may be charged with - aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse. Bail was set at $1 million. Is that all?
When contacted the victim only said. "This is a private matter." 
Well it is not private at all, there is now post-traumatic-stress among husbands everywhere thinking of their own treasured privates!
My wife just made cookies. Chocolate chip, my favorite, good stuff, but now I have to call her into the room, have her stand there in front of me and look into her eyes as I eat one! Watching for any sign of deceit or subterfuge ...... or sparkle. I thought of getting a witness but then I'd have to share the cookies.
Our relationship is strained at the moment because she caught me switching dinner plates. I have PTSD already.

Lorena Bobbitt claimed years of sexual abuse drove her to the attack, and she was acquitted by reason of insanity. Who knows what defense Catherine Kieu Becker's lawyers will choose, the Extrapolated Penis Envy defense? Kink gone Krazy defense? Weiner Rage defense? Not sure but we need to keep this quiet. No sense giving women ideas. You have no idea how many females grinned with empathy for Lorena Bobbitt.

But starting right now I will only eat my wife's cookies in a crowded public place with my phone on speed dial to an ambulance.


Private matter indeed.

 


 

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.      Michael Pritchard 

 


 

from Sunday, July 31, 2011
 Don't Ever look Back

Katy Perry without the boobs, and ... er ... well, without Katy Perry.

 

 

So, your kids aren't ALL doing THAT in their bedrooms with the door locked.

(His name is Keenan Cahill, find him on YouTube as BeenerKeeKee 19952)

Is he better than Gary Belsma, the Numa Numa guy? Scroll down to the bottom
of this page and see. The page is only silliness anyway, scroll slow and read.

 

 

the real Katy Perry

 


 

from Tuesday, April 05, 2011

 

Master Bates - new medical studies


In Health News: - Restless Leg Syndrome? Hay Fever? Parkinson's Symptoms? Prostate cancer?
There is help for these problems suggested from new health studies.

Are you suffering? Does your leg want to go walking at midnight after you tuck into bed? You want to pick wildflowers in that field but keep sneezing the petals off? Your arm is jiggling involuntarily and you're spilling your gin? You're not sure if your pooper is working properly?
Masturbate.

RLS is a distressing neurological disorder characterized by an urge to move the legs. It is usually associated with unpleasant sensations in the lower limbs such as tingling, aching and itching. Brain autopsies and imaging studies suggest one contributing factor of RLS is an imbalance of dopamine, the hormonal messenger that activates the areas of the brain responsible for pleasure. There IS a solution.
Masturbate.

In Spring a young man's fancy turns to ... er ... masturbation? There may be a quick and pleasurable treatment to clear those tingling noses, for guys at least – a well-timed ejaculation.
A blocked nose is caused by swollen and inflamed nasal blood vessels, irritated by floating air-borne pollen. But during ejaculation, the sympathetic nervous system constricts blood vessels across the body. That soothes the nasal blood vessels, freeing the airway for normal breathing. The logic behind the proposal is based on the fact that the nose and the genitals are both connected to the same part of the nervous system which  controls certain reflexes – the sympathetic nervous system.
Masturbate.

Parkinson's. It is suspected that dopamine imbalance is also responsible for some of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease; tremors, sluggish movements, rigid muscles and impaired posture and balance. Research doctors speculate that the release of orgasm-related dopamine might play a role in the alleviation of these symptoms. An orgasm provides one of the biggest natural blasts of dopamine available to us. So if you lose your balance and fall down, you know what to do.
Masturbate.

Prostate cancer worries? Your doctor has huge fingers? You have sphincter issues?
The protective effect of masturbation is greatest while men are in their twenties: those who had ejaculated more than five times per week in their twenties, for instance, were one-third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in life.
But why should ejaculating more often cut the risk of prostate cancer? The scientific teams speculate that ejaculation prevents carcinogens building up in the gland. (these carcinogens, by the way, can accumulate from second hand cigarette smoke) The prostate, together with the seminal vesicles, secretes the bulk of the fluid in semen. A prostatic stagnation hypothesis (try to stay with me on this) says that the more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them.
Masturbate.

So now you know that there is self help available, the five knuckle shuffle becomes important to your future health. Important, I said. The action no longer involves going blind at all. And you don't have to be prostrate to save your prostate. In fact parents need to encourage youngsters in the implementation of the practice as routine for future benefits, like brushing regularly.
"Jimmy, it's time for your health event, here's your Dad's Playboy, go into your room."
And you no longer need to shout "Reeeecolaaaa." from that Swiss alpine sward. Just sit down amid the pretty blooms and alleviate your symptoms.

If these findings are confirmed, future health advice from doctors may no longer be restricted to diet and exercise. Masturbation is part of a man's sexual repertoire, it is beneficial to use it.

In conclusion it's perfectly reasonable that males should be encouraged to masturbate. Flog your log. Beat your meat. Battle the helmet warrior. Pound your pud. Burp the worm. Clear your snorkel. Mangle the mute muppet.
So if you are going to tweak your twinkie, you may be saving the health system thousands of dollars in later life medical costs.
No detrimental effects have been found to this therapy yet. And of course diet and exercise in public is okay. But if you choose this new method for looking after your health in public, the costs of legal fees could eliminate the savings. The police don't hesitate to toss a healthy man into jail. That IS a detrimental effect. ("BOTH hands in the air, Sir!") The scenarios are endless ...

"What are you doing in there, man?"
"Flushing out my carcinogens."
"Okay, a health nut."

"Oh Honey, you got me a subscription to a men's health magazine, Penthouse, how nice. You still have that headache?"

"Tonight I'm going on a date with Handrea."

Masturbate. It's good for you.

Back later, I'm heading for the optometrist and the carpel tunnel specialist.

 

 


 

from Saturday, March 05, 2011

4 AM Cowboy

     I was awake this morning at 4 AM. My little transistor radio battery was dying. It would only bring in a cowboy station. So I listened. Lulled at first until the lyrics began to register.
One song was a lament from a boy remembering getting kicked out of his home at 12 years old. Another was a sad recollection of all the things that woman had done to him. Then one of a guy who lent his wife the pickup truck and she stopped it on the railroad tracks. He was really in sorrow, even more so when he learned that she had jumped clear! Cowboys and depression seem to go together.
No wonder those guys were depressed up there on Brokeback Mountain. You can only look at clouds and sheep for so long until you don't know which is which and you turn to the next warm body in the sleeping bag. 'Podnuh' has become partner with that new meaning.

And CW lyrics are aimed at depression;  you're a redneck heartbreak ....  so hard living here on my own .... bad ridin' cowboy .... for 43 dollars my friend lost his life .... I've been burned, I've been cheated .... you can hide your tears, you can cry in the dark .... death is waiting for its dance .... my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

..... OMG, of course they're so depressing.
Cowboys have a rough time of it. Used to be just get out there and ride the fences, rope a lil dogie, play the guitar and drink some whisky. Not now, they're filled with all kinds of guilt and regret.
Just look at their lives; They never get the girl any more. They ride ATVs instead of horses. Their bar has been taken over by some bling guy named Tiffany Dean doing Line Dancing. The train doesn't even run through town these days!  Their six gun is outpowered by a Glock19 and their hats only hold four gallons. What's a cowboy to do but lament?

Cowboys can't even go to Texas now because someone else's exes all live there and you know what exes are like. Rodeo Drive is off limits unless you have Tony Lama boots. And cow poop stuck under the heel just doesn't fly. Nobody tosses a brown frisbee. Alberta is frozen up most of the year and so are the steers. And Hiyo Silver just means the silver market is up 20 points!

Cowboys need a break. Happy songs. Maybe I'll write one. Call it Contented Cowboy. It would go something like this:


Drivin' with my Babe in my pickup truck,
she love the fresh air back there in the box.
Headin' for my bar an' with a little bit of luck,
we'll drink all night unaware of the clocks.

Ol' Rover dawg beside me on the passenger seat,
gotta get a move on I hear a choo choo train.
My Babe wears a mini skirt and lookin` so sweet,
got a Bud between my knees and I'm feelin`no pain.

Gonna dance all night, have some fun with my friends,
snuggle with my Babe, have her body next to mine.
Win a game of poker, till the big money ends
get the cash inside my pocket, feelin mighty fine.

Put my foot to the floor, get this old Ford goin`
Gotta get to that crossin, before the red lights flash.
Dawg just a howlin`, rain and wind now blowin` ...
Locomotive got there first .... cowboy got the crash.



Sorry, I just couldn`t help it. Cowboys are so depressing.

 

© 2010 Bob Westerholm

 

check out my real CW songs on the echoes page here


from Sunday, February 13, 2011

F 150 - such confusion

The Ford Motor Company believes there might be confusion between their Ford F150 pick up truck and the new Ferrari F150 formula one race car.

"Ford Motor Co sued luxury automaker Ferrari on Wednesday for trademark infringement after Ferrari named its 2011 Formula 1 racing car the 'F150.'  Ferrari's F150 apparently bears striking resemblance to certain parts of the Ford F-150 pickup truck. 
'Ferrari has misappropriated the F-150 trademark in naming its new racing vehicle the F150 in order to capitalize on and profit from the substantial goodwill that Ford has developed in the F-150 trademark,' 
Ford said in a complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Detroit."

 

So .... we are to believe that someone going to buy a Ford F150 pickup might inadvertently buy a Ferrari F150 instead because of the resemblance? Well no wonder Ford is angry. 
But let's look at a comparison:

  • The Ford seats 2. Or three if your girlfriend has a girlfriend and she's not too tubby.
    Or 14 family members if you live in Arkansas. The Ferrari only seats 1.
  • The Ford will just go fast enough to bump into things. The Ferrari could shoot off into space if you press the gas pedal too hard.
  • You can tailgate in the Ford on the way to work at the mill.  There is no one ahead of you in the Ferrari.
  • You can have your cousin? in the back playing his banjo in the Ford.  Even if you could in the Ferrari, you wouldn't know what he played until you stopped and the sound caught up. 
  • In the Ford you'll have your possum hunting buddies growling approval and saying 'Hey.'  In the Ferrari the Tifosi will worship you and be screaming bellisimo! The Ford guys just think those Italians are gay anyhow.
  • You can hide your gun under the front seat of the Ford. The Ferrari won't even accommodate your Platinum American Express card.
  • In the Ford you can drive over bumpy back roads just to watch your babe's boobs jiggle. No back roads for the Ferrari and when the girls flash you at Monza, you won't see them anyway.
  • In the Ford you can eat burgers while driving, even if you only have 3 teeth left. In the Ferrari if you open your mouth your teeth will be sucked out the back of your head!
  • In the Ford the radio only plays Willie Nelson. The Ferrari itself plays Pavarotti.
  • In the Ford you can cook roadkill on the manifold and have dinner ready when you get to the bar.  In the Ferrari ... er ... if you ask for blanco vino Chianti they throw you out of the bar!
  • In the Ford you can lay a sheet of plastic in the box, fill it with wet mud and have girlie fighting in there. In the Ferrari ...

Well, you get the point.  The Ford wins hands down and they rightly don't want Ferrari horning in on their sales. What would happen if these F150 Ferraris became popular on Ford's name? 
..... um .........   Sorry, I can't think on that any longer. But it does say something about the Ford executives who brought this lawsuit to court, and their view of their own customers. I think the Ford guys are still angry at the drive Enzo took Henry Ford II on in the sixties and made him poop his pants.

Me? I'm looking for a red Edsel.  There's no mistaking that car for ANYTHING else.



Oh, by the way, the Ford F150 costs about $40,000. The Ferrari F150 will thin your wallet by about 3 million. IF they'll sell you one.
Hard to confuse that part. 

 


Viral sound clip  -  Guido Hatzis  -  the plumber.

 

 

 

Created by two Aussie comedians,  Tony Moclair and Julian Schiller

in 1999 for their Australian radio show, Crud.  Still hilarious.

 


 

 

from Monday, January 11, 2010

Roxxxy the Sex Robot - 71 to go

 

Roxxxy the sex robot made her debut in front of adoring fans at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas.
Roxxxy is a life-size, anatomically correct, robotic girlfriend who comes complete with artificial intelligence and flesh-like synthetic skin. She stands five feet, seven inches tall, weighs 120 pounds, "has a full C cup and is ready for action," according to Douglas Hines,
 of TrueCompanion, the company producing Roxxxy. Hines was an artificial intelligence engineer at Bell Labs. 
Not sure if that means Douglas has artificial intelligence or Roxxy has.
It says here that she is a companion, she hears you, she listens to you, (note the separate categories) All women hear you, but .... well, you know.

There's more, Roxxxy comes with five personalities. Wild Wendy is outgoing and adventurous, while Frigid Farrah is reserved and shy. Would you pay $9000. for frigid? You can get a damned nice Frigidaire for that already stocked with beer.
I am not really sure I want a personality anyhow. My fridge has personality, it rots things just to bug me.

Besides, I already have my own vacant looking wide-eyed blow up doll, (Mazie) doesn't need any thoughts. And she seems to be mouthing a perpetual Wow! -  enough for my simple ego.
And I can deflate her and have a secret companion right there with me, folded deep into my front pants pocket.

Inspiration for Roxxxy the sex robot sprang from the September 11, 2001 attacks, when planes crashed into the World Trade Center in New York City and Douglas decided to replicate his friend's personality, who died in that event. ???  I am not making this up. I promise. But it does cause one to wonder about Doug's friends.
I can't figure this either, but after years of seeing those extremely beautiful Mattel Barbie Dolls I can't figure out why Roxxy was made so ... eewww ... ugly! She/it is like Cro-Magnon man with a wig. A rubberized Drag Queen who just stepped off Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I only suggest that perhaps she is intended to look like one of the 72 virgins promised to the suicide bombers on 9/11. Anything to put them off.

I wonder if she'll do a balloon fly if you stick a pin in her bum? Oh not .... you can bet she already has a hole in her bum.
Please don't imagine the ... um .... testing of this ... er ... product.
Damn now you are, aren't you?

Well no plastic perversions for me.
I am just going to stick to my regular Gentlemens' Club where I can enter from the back alley door and get chained naked, upside down to a wall and have Madame Merelda beat the hell out of me! Ah bliss.

Manufacturers warning: Don't kiss Roxxxy on your first date if you're wearing dentures.

 

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from Monday, May 22, 2006
 
Try not to laugh . . .
 

These people have all suffered bad things happening to them ....................... and it isn't funny.

 


 

from Friday, August 14, 2009

Do It Yourself Doctoring

It's coming folks. Huge cuts in hospital staff and access. Doctors moving to the clinic format, no longer having regular patients. Budgets being curtailed. No more elective surgeries.
All designed, some people think, to drive you to the for-profit private clinics that Gordon Campbell has allowed to undermine our own health care system.
So will it result in a Do It Yourself health care explosion?
There are now DIY dentistry kits where you can get the stuff needed to replace the tooth filling you swallowed. You already know what your dentist does to fix a cavity - he drills around in there to clean it up, then mixes the amalgam and fills the hole and polishes it up. So why can't you do the same thing? With the kits, you can. Pliers included please. Any Dremel will do the prep.
Sure it's temporary they say, but if the dentist charges you $800 dollars to fix it, and the kits are only $23 dollars, you can temp it 34 TIMES yourself! Even at a six month replacement schedule that equals 17 YEARS without you spending those big bucks.
So why couldn't you do other stuff yourself too? Operations? People have been delivering their own babies for centuries. Someone just needs to write a detailed manual on certain procedures. Step by step instructions on appendix removal, tonsil removal, hip and knee replacement, vaccinations, if you show me where the arteries are I could clean them out too. Stitches? No sweat, I can tie a double half granny knot. Criminals in Asia are already stealing kidneys from tourists so that can't be too hard. How many volunteers would step up for breast implants? DIY Colonoscopy? You could rent a fibreoptics tube, perhaps only $10 for the weekend, check out your friends too. Well maybe not. Vasectomy? Now you could use your sailor's hitch knot from cub scouts, couldn't you? Or your tie flying experience. Hey! Careful with that scalpel, Sailor. The DIY hemorrhoid kit might be a slow seller though.
Even mental health issues could be resolved at home. In years past ancient peoples solved the problem of evil spirits in the head by actually chipping a hole in your skull with an eolith, a flintstone axe, to let the malevolent demons out!  It's called trephining. And there's evidence the crazy persons survived! And we have way sharper axes today.
Sure, real doctors spend years learning, but you only need to fix the single thing that's bugging you, right? A DIY Doctor kit could help you to do it.
So, there are hundreds of procedures we could do ourselves. How hard can it be? We only need a DIY Doctor Store, kits for everything, instructions on CD, 24/7 web cam tech service.
Gaul bladder removal - Hospitable price, $30,000.
Ops-R-Us price - On Sale, $49.95. Biteable bullet and whiskey included,

 


 

from Thursday, March 10, 2005

Russell Crowe targeted by al-Qaeda

News item that al-Qaeda planned to kidnap actor Russell Crowe. The FBI warned him about the plot and protected him. What?
The al-Qaeda idea was apparently about taking iconographic Americans out of the picture as sort of a cultural destabilization plot.  Russell is an Australian?

Well he was born a Kiwi and went to Oz at 4. Doesn't the naive al-Qaeda know these Auzzies are tough? They grow up with dingos, crocodiles, Great White sharks, asps and funnel web spiders and STILL wander around the outback in bare feet and swim everywhere! Not to mention that Russell can be a surly bastard when aroused. You don't get between an Auzzie and his Fosters!
And besides, one has to wonder what cultural destabilization would result in removing Russell anyway? Sounds less like Osama Bin Laden and more like Idi Amin!
You just don't want to kidnap Russell Crowe!


I can just see Russell as the kidnapee, saying "G'dai Mite," while tearing off their heads and chewing their ears! Hmm, there's a movie in here somewhere.
Meanwhile, Russell only said, "Who is this Al guy anyway?"

  Russell in a GOOD mood.

 

 


from Monday, May 21, 2007

Stuff for sale

I was perusing the local papers the other morning, things for sale, browsing the Older Trucks list ... there were only two pick-ups. There was nothing to do but read on.

I inadvertently came onto Services for Sale, um ... er... Adult Services, and pictures of women offering wares, perhaps I should say bewares.

Here you can get massages, body rubs, domination, coddling, (assuming you wear a codpiece) escorts and perhaps anything that your particular fetish lusts for. One girl at 'Versace' had clamshells over her breasts, but it didn't say if she had a lunch bar selling chowder. One wonders about the flavour. Chantal offers exotic, erotic NEW 40DDDs. Did the old 40DDDs wear out? Did she upgrade from version 39DDDs.0? Another shouts Hot HOT GFE. Ok sorry, but I never did find out what GFE is, or what the FS is that she does also. There's DATY and SOG too. My sicko little mind tried hundreds of combinations but to no avail, the best I came up with was Saggy Old Grandmother.

At least Hooter Haven is clear, and everything is so, er ... round there. I see some of the older ladies are regenerating their careers by applying the Cougar idea. Cougar Country she says, with a pic like Mrs. Robinson's legs. Maybe. Bear Country scares the hell out of me! Apple Pie caught my eye and was 36DD, but all I could think of as how many apples it took to make a pair of pies that big? One was Royal Lavender Massage, but I don't want to smell like my Grandma. Maybe if it was thyme or basil. I think Sophia Loren might smell like oregano.

The Transgender ads make you look twice. Those are GUYS? But at least you KNOW you're getting store bought boobs there. Wet Vancouver has this girl sitting sexily in the surf, but it's a little cold for the beach yet. Maybe she was just rinsing, I don't know. I think of fish and chips when I'm at the beach anyway. The Fox girls have enough cleavage to hide a full side of beef roasts. And the Greek Girls say they have toys and strap-ons but they don't say who's going to have the fun? Lots of 900 numbers for hot chat but if you hear a 'clickety click', that's probably the knitting needles as Grandma finishes her shawl. Or maybe a codpiece for Uncle Harry. Mistress Onyx in the black mask offers domination, BDSM, fetish and diaper, which you're going to need if she ever cracks you with that friggin' whip! Lots of Thais, but none with a peanut sauce. The Swedish Touch doesn't seem to come with meatballs either. One girl squirts while she works and I'm not following that any further. There's a sexy Spanish Italian Dish that was hot and spicy, maybe like a salsa pizza paella? And a Chocolate and Vanilla pair who 'taste good together.'  There's something I've never been able to do, I always just go for the two scoops of chocolate. I wonder if their names are Miss Baskin and Mizz Robbins? (as long and they're NOT Ben and Jerry)  The China Doll only made me think of Remon Chicken with chow mein and won ton. Nope, I didn't see a BBW called Won Ton.

Well, after scrutinizing the adult services ads, they did get to me, I had to raid the fridge for a snack. I guess I'm too far along to appreciate these 'Adult' services, food has taken over my sex life. I'm turned on by my wife's Angel Food cake. And soup de jour is enough French kissing for me. Ménage au trois only means can I manage three helpings?  I'm actually afraid to take Viagra. Maybe I'll just get a truckload of blue jelly beans instead and head on over to Burger King.
Oh wait, I need a truck first ...

 


 

from Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Today in History ... December 9

1994 U.S. President Bill Clinton fired U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for reportedly suggesting that masturbation be taught in schools.
(sheeez, it needs to be taught?)

Of course Bill knew of a better way to ease one's tensions.

 


 

from Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Miss America - The f@$&%# up state of pageants

Miss America tested positive for cocaine. She has been carousing in New York City's bars and drinking martinis before she turned 21. She was caught doing a glue-faced tongue kiss in public with Miss Teen America, the other All-American party girl. Miss Teen America is a spokesperson for MADD!


Donald Trump is the co-owner of the Miss America pageant. Mr. Trump went into a meeting with the perfectly spherical-breasted Ms. Conner this morning expecting to terminate her reign as Miss USA.
But he said the meeting showed him someone with “a good heart” who had been caught up in the “whirlwind” of New York.
Evidently he couldn't say, "Miss America, you're fired!"  No truth to the rumor that she will go for Miss Earth Globe.


The Donald's hair was not mussed.



Monica Lewinski or Bill Clinton couldn't be reached for comment.


 

from Saturday, April 22, 2006

Let's play doctor

A 76 year old man in Florida, was charged with sexual assault after going door to door, posing as a doctor giving free breast examinations. He examined at least two women's breasts after they allowed him into their homes to accept the offer. Phillip Winikoff even carried a black doctor's bag and was found out when one woman allowed a genital inspection, but Phillip, in his excitement, forgot to don rubber gloves. His real occupation is a shuttle driver for a car dealership.

One can almost imagine the trial . . .

 

Mr. Winikoff is on the witness stand.

Prosecutor: Judge, and Jury. This white haired old man perpetrated a heinous criminal act of fraud on women in their early 30s; sexual assault, false pretenses, impersonation, performing a free service without qualifications, and everyone in America knows they don't do doctor stuff for free, furthermore and wheretoever, he caused embarrassment to other women who will not come forward. And lastly, he caused many policemen to sideline their other cases while they assessed the victims themselves for first hand, um, evidence ... so to speak. I rest my case.

Defense Councel:       Doctor Winikoff, would you have ...
Prosecutor:                  Objection your Honor, he is not a real doctor!
Defense Councel:      Sir, did you offer free breast examinations door to door?
Prosecutor:                  Objection to Defense Council's giggling, your Honor.
Winikoff:                       Yes sir, I did.
Defense Councel:      And some ladies allowed you into their homes for this ... ah, service?
Prosecutor:                  Objection on service! This terrible criminal only wanted to "service" the women. And they were FAKE breast exams.
Defense Councel:      Doctor Win ... er Mr. Winikoff, and then you actually DID do a breast examination, correct?
Prosecutor:                 Objection ...
Winikoff:                       Correct Sir. I did a thorough examination, nothing fake about it.
Prosecutor:                 ... counsel is laughing again!
Defense Councel:
     Thank you, Doctor Winikoff, and can you tell us how you did it?
Winikoff:                       I caressed ... er ... fondled ... um, examined them all with gentle care, Sir. I even listened to the heartbeat with my nice warm ear.
Defense Councel:      And why did you choose this community service for young women?

Winikoff:                      When was the last time you tried to get a doctor to actually come to your home? And those mammary gram machine things hurt like hell.
Defense Councel:      And they're all run by Nurse Ratchet!

Prosecutor:                 Objection. Community service? His intent was strictly sexual, your Honor!
Defense Councel:     That is speculation and conjecture, my learned friend ... Doctor Winikoff, Sir, were any Viagra pills found in your little doctor's bag?
Winikoff:                      There was nothing in my bag except my lunch. When you're 76 years old it gets kinda heavy to carry around. And my stomach ....
Prosecutor:                 It was the rubber gloves did him in, your Honor, he didn't have any.
Defense Councel:     Sir, did these women invite you into their homes voluntarily and remove their clothing of their own accord?
Prosecutor:                 Objection! They thought he was a doctor.
Defense Councel:      He kind of looks like a nice old doctor, though, doesn't he?
Prosecutor:                 He's a dirty old man!
Defense Councel:     Doctor Winikoff, had you found a lump or anything would you have recommended the woman see another doctor for more tests?
Winikoff:                      I always believe in second opinions, Sir, as a matter of fact my friend Harry, the wash guy down at the car dealership ...
Prosecutor:                 Oh my gawd!
Defense Councel:     We rest too, your Honor. No harm no foul.
Prosecutor:                Objection to your Honor's giggling, your Honor.

 

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from Thursday, February 03, 2005

One law for you - one law for the rich. (2)

Well, another example of dual criminality surfaces. (the 'Whitney Houston' law.)
It seems the authorities in LA aren't going to lay felony charges against Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress cum porn star. They quoted a lack of evidence in the case. 
Hmmm .... even though the incident was caught on tape of Paris stealing the video of her own sexual performance which was on sale at a newsstand, while all the time hurling insults at the newsvendor. Perhaps that tape will make the internet too.

I guess the DA wanted a hotel rate on his next vacation. One can hardly imagine the skinny little airhead as a porn star anyway. Wonder if she'll have a red-light room in all Hilton hotels when she takes over the chain? Maybe a mistress room at the Paris Hilton? Could be a money-maker if they make Ron Jeremy the hall porter. Ah, it's a simple life, isn't it?
Don't they charge 50 cents per toilet flush in Hilton hotels?


[always wear seat belts while driving in convertibles. always wear a condom if Paris has been in the car]

WARNING: doing a Google Images search for 'paris hilton sex tape'  may bring up pictures of Rick Soloman, who now looks scared after having sex with her, President Bush who seems to be saluting her, and a police officer pointing a flashlight into your window and asking how much you've had to drink tonight.

Do I see Leona Hemsley in here somewhere?

 

[[[ apology to Paris - she handled the John McCain issue with humour and style - making fun of herself while chiding that 'wrinkly old white-haired Dude'  - score ---  Paris - 1  McCain - 0 ]]]

 


 

from Friday, January 21, 2005

Bob Dylan film without Dylan

Martin Scorsese is making a film about Bob Dylan. However, he hasn't consulted Bob Dylan about it. He said he wants to present his own vision of Bob Dylan's life. What? Doesn't want to talk to Bob Dylan? I used to like Scorsese, now I think he might be a jerk. How do you do that? Someone has to write the film. When you write a picture you take an opinion, a point-of-view, you present a biased view. Always. And documentaries go for the truth. Or do they? Doesn't this go in the unauthorized biography catagory of National Enquirer?
Does it sorta go like this - - - ?

Writer:      "Hey Marty, should we at least give Dylan a call?"
Marty:      "I'm trying to make as honest a film as possible without unnecessary restrictions."
Writer:      "Yeah, actually talking to the guy might screw up everything."
Marty:      "I'm creating a story."
Writer:      "Okay ... Hey Marty, what say we have Dylan say this ...'War is good for you.' "
Marty:      "Sure, that sounds like what I'd like him to say."
Writer:      "Marty, do you see Dylan as Republican or a Democrat?"
Marty:      "Let's make him a Republican, we'll get him to sing for Nixon and both Bushes. Stir it up a bit."
Writer:     "Hey Marty, uhm ... maybe he doesn't write,
Times They Are a Changin', maybe he writes Moon 
                 River
instead."
Marty:      (Thinking almost a full 3 seconds) "Sure, my vision is he'd do that."
Writer:      "Marty, you're a wonderful guy, who's gonna play Dylan?"
Marty:      "Will Smith."
Writer:      (cough) "Er, Will Smith?"
Marty:      "Sure, Denzel played the Sinatra role in Manchurian. It's MY vision of Dylan."
Writer:      "Ok, Marty."   .............Uh, Marty?
Marty.       "Yeah?"
Writer.      "What was that you said about Lassie and the tambourine?"

 

 


 

from Saturday, March 19, 2005

Cool BC Parks of the future

NEWS ITEM: Leaked secret documents show Gordon Campbell's Liberals to allow major expansion of private lodges in BC Provincial Parks.


A family arrives at a BC Provincial park for camping ...

BOY:        Wow Dad, look at that, a big pink building!
MOM:      What IS that, Hon'? This was all trees last time.
DAD:       One of the new American style lodges, I didn't think they were here yet.
GIRL:      Cool, a Ferris wheel and look, a Brittney Spears arcade!
BOY:       Dad, can we get a slurpy at the Seven-Eleven?
MOM:     My goodness. What happened to our wilderness park?
DAD:      This was in that secret Liberal plan for our parks that Gordon Campbell had hidden.

BOY:      The parking lot is way flat and I didn't even bring my skateboard.
MOM:     Is that skinny thing a bear in a cage?
DAD:      Yeah, it says 'No Hiking. See a raccoon here.'
MOM:     That lodge is huge. The flashing lights for the bar are kinda bright.
SON:      Where are we gonna camp, Dad?
GIRL:     Dad, no tenting on the parking lot.
DAD:      I see that. It's $10 an hour to park here anyway.
BOY:      This is cool, Dad, just like the city. And there's gonna be a water park here soon.
DAD:      Don't they know there's a LAKE out there?
GIRL:      I like Gordon Campbell, he's changed everything.
(Dad starts to openly cry)
MOM:      Aw Hon, don't do that, she can't vote yet.
DAD:      She needs retraining. Whatever happened to seeing the wilderness?
MOM:     Whatever happened to Supernatural British Columbia?
DAD:      There was no money in it for the Liberals.
(Dad continues sobbing as a flock of starlings crap on his car on their way to the new McDonalds.)
GIRL:     Da-ad, Jimmy's breathing all the air again!
 

                           

Future BC Provincial Park

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from Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Movie review - The Legend of Zorro

Long in the tooth Antonio Banderas would rather ride the Black Horse than Catherine Zeta Jones, just when she's heaving her breasts ala Barbara Cartland romance novel, he rides off into the moon. A chubby lil Mexican kid runs weight off by the end of the picture and Catherine wells up with tears again and again.
Lots of sword fighting, but it's not Johnny Depp, more like his Dad with bad eye makeup, and nobody ever gets cut. But blow-ups are everywhere and even when a California orange falls to the ground it sounds like the Space Shuttle exploding. I think the sound effects guy must be the producer's brother-in-law. Bring ear plugs.
There are a couple of times where they forgot to put Antonio on the apple box and he has to look up to Catherine, but who cares? Being anywhere near that magnificent brunette is good enough, and especially when you're at eye level with her ..... well never mind. Have fun trying to spot the Lee Marvin movie parody.

The hero of the piece? I'd put my money on the Black Horse                

 

 

 


 

from Thursday, March 08, 2007          

            Cialis

Cialis has this advertising out right now - an older couple talking in a grassy glade. The sun is just right, the forest is fresh, their bicycles nearby, suggesting healthy fun people. It's a halcyon scene. Then they walk away into the bushes. I want to call out to them, "Hey, don't forget your bikes, this is a bad neighborhood!" But alas, they hear nothing because he has taken Cialis, the 36 hour Erectile Disfunction drug! Maybe Cialis makes you forgetful?
In another scene two people are sitting in separate bathtubs on a hillside in a vineyard, overlooking the city. No water pipes going into the bathtubs. Maybe they're all tired out from bringing the water to the tubs. Maybe it got cold after all that exercise? Maybe there was terrible shrinkage? Maybe they're just kinky?
By the way, when that couple is walking through the grape vines, does he look a little bowlegged to you?
They say that Cialis can be taken on a Friday night and you're covered for the whole weekend! Wow. Then they assert that the wife could say, "Honey, how about tomorrow?" and it'd still be alright. Does she have another headache? One of the side effects for men is headache and upset stomach. But men with good wood would only blurt, "To hell with the headache and I might throw up but sheeez look what I've got here!"
36 HOURS! The Cialis people say that provides a window of opportunity. I say stay away from windows or you might have the cops at your door! 36 whole hours. But wait, then they tell you to call your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than four hours! Isn't that kind of contradictory? Most old guys wouldn't call anyone at all, they'd be happy just to proudly stare at it for 36 hours! Maybe see how many coats they could hang on it?
Okay, so if your wife has a headache and you're standing at attention for hours on end,  all is not lost, but don't phone your doctor,  tell her you gave her sister a call.
That oughta be exciting.

Meanwhile if you're going to bathe like the people in the advert, watch out for thirsty cows.

 


 

from Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
  Kyokushinkai Karate  

  The meaning of Kyokushin is extreme real or truth. Martial art created by Sosai Masutatsu Oyama in 1955. It is a style of karate which focuses on strenuous physical training, especially kumite and tameshiwari, though it also includes kihon, kata, self-defense techniques, and weapons.

  It is the utilization of circular movement in the execution of techniques that distinguishes Kyokushinkai Karate from the traditional styles of karate that rely on simple linear motion.

  Kyokushin Karate is characterized by requiring of its participants, strenuous training, conditioning and realistic contact while free sparring, jiyu kumite. Kyokushin karate-ka believe this contact is necessary in order to fully appreciate the resiliency of the human body and spirit and to prepare for any serious confrontation.

  Kyokushinkai is now practiced worldwide by thousands, including Holland's famous world class judoka Jon Bluming and King Juan Carlos of Spain who bravely learned his Kyokushinkai when it was banned by Generalissimo Franco.

  My own sensei is Shihan Ron Sittrop of Vancouver, who shared his knowledge and expertise with compassion and intelligence and trained and bettered the lives of many young men who came into his dojos.

  Oyama died in 1994 but his legacy of bushido is immeasurable.

Sosai Mas Oyama

 

 

 

 

 

     

Why Kyokushinkai tournaments are called knockdown. Kyokushinkai rules.

 


 

from Thursday, September 29, 2005

Big Head syndrome

I went to buy some chicken the other day. The last time we bought chicken breasts they were huge. Sort of like the size of a dachshund if you cut it longwise into four. The chicken in the display case was like that. The butcher must use special platters for it. I was expecting to see a little wiry tail tucked under it.
I think it's the hormones they put into our food nowadays. They inject the cattle. Plump up the pigs with genetically engineered meal. Feed chemicals to the chickens. All to make them grow bigger. Bigger is better. Wherever these chickens are kept, I pity the fox who wanders into the hen house!
I think this is an American thing. They need big meals. MacDonalds' megga pounders. Wendy's Wonderbigburger. You go south in the USA and you get huge portions in the restaurants.
I met three young boys from Southern California recently. They all had really big heads. My friend was in Florida a while ago. The young boys there were all 200 lbs at 14 years old .... and they all had really big heads! It is noticeable. They were  Gary Larson people, from the Far Side, caricatures of themselves.
It's the hormones combined with Nature. We eat food now that is so much bigger and Nature is making us evolve into larger human beings. I'm afraid, knowing what happened to the dinosaurs. And this overgrowth has been going on for decades now. Those growth hormones are going into us via the chickens.
I think I might become a Vegan.
I don't want 'RBHS' - Really Big Head Syndrome.

..... pass that basketball sized head of lettuce.

 

 


 

from Monday, October 10, 2005

Today in history - Oct 10, 1886

1886 - Griswold Lorillard of Tuxedo Park, N.Y., fashioned the first tuxedo for men.
 It was said Griswold got the idea after a wildlife adventure trip to Antarctica.

 

 

from Saturday, April 02, 2005

Pope John Paul II

I am not a Roman Catholic, but I liked the Pope anyway.
Almost as soon as he took the power of his religion, he began changing the world, Karol Wojtyla who knew peril as a young man at the hands of the Nazis, went right back into Poland and courageously
stuck religion into the face of the communists. And this single Holy man confronted them with such a resolute adversary they never recovered. Yet he was shot for his efforts by a Turk from Bulgaria, supposedly put up to it by the Soviet KGB, who could see that he was a dangerous man championing the freedom of religious belief and challenging their future.

Solidarnosc (Solidarity) was born because John Paul II provided daring leadership and gave his people hope and power, and consequently, oppressed people everywhere shared in that new power. It was not only about religious freedom, but liberty for all humanity.
In the ensuing years the momentum from that historic and gutsy visit caught hold. He created the chink in the wall that brought down the Iron Curtain and freed most of Eastern Europe from the oppression of a
generation of forced communism.
Pope John Paul II gave the people of Poland a new respect while using his religion for the highest purpose. He gave hope to people of every country.
We all owe him big time.


And no one tells Polack jokes anymore either.

 

 

from Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Better pictures . . .

They asked me to stop posting bad pictures of our British Columbia Premier,  Gordon Campbell.




They are right, this is no good.

Shouldn't have been put up here for your viewing.

Unfair to our beloved Premier.

Sorry, I won't post a bad picture like that again.



This one is much better ...



Yes, way better.   More centered and the colour is nicer, don't you think?

 

 

 

from Friday, December 24, 2004

Late News - Santa where are you?

News Bulletin: Just in. Santa's sleigh has disappeared from radar screens. After leaving the North Pole it seems he just vanished.
The new American Missile defense system had no comment on the rumour that a missile, which was supposed to have been launched in a failed test weeks ago, suddenly activated and headed toward Santa. The words 'Donner and Blitzen' flashed across military monitors and the computer read them as the German words 'thunder and lightning', believing it to be a codename for an attack from the French pretending they were Germany. As usual there was no mention of North Korea. The missile headed straight toward a red beacon mistakenly read as a warhead. Rudolph will be missed.

Homeland Security said that whatever happened, America is safer now.


Canada isn't.

 

 

from Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Rocky VI, could life be any better?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the ring .... Sylvester Stallone appears, at 59 years of age, to battle glove on glove with yet another villain. Will he wear boxing shoes or bedroom slippers? Will he have a mouth guard or simply leave his teeth in his corner? Will he wear a jock strap or a hernia belt?
Who will the villain be this time?
The sleek Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed or the daunting Dolph Lundgren as Russian Ivan Drago ... no wait, Stallone won't have Lundgren back because the Kyokushinkai karate champion broke his ribs while they were shooting Rocky IV when Sly thought for a minute there that he was a real boxer. And anyway we LIKE Russians now even though Dolph is a Swede..
They'll need a serious enemy for this one ... Someone fearsome. Someone Ba-ad. A real boogy-man.
Eminem? ....... Nah, talks too much, we need our star to say the lines.
Hannibal Lecter with a starched white napkin and a glass of Chianti in his corner? ....... Nah, too literate for Rocky.
Mike Tyson, sheeez, scary, all teeth and wimpy voice, licking his lips, taunting Rocky. Whispering so Sly has to cock his ear and come closer. ...... Nah, too much like cannibal Hannibal.
Hey, what about Kim Jong Il, the North Korean President, bill him as the Pyongyang Pugilist against Rocky's Atomic Fists! ....... Nah, watching anyone smack that cartoon head of Jong's around would just become a comedy. Too much fun.
Hmm, let's see ... a woman maybe? Yeah Syd, that's IT! They're running for President now, they gotta take their lumps too. Hillary Clinton fits the bill, she's cool, she's nasty, some think she already murdered that guy in the White House ....... Nah, she'd beat the hell out of Stallone in the audition! Too dangerous for our hero. And the stunt doubles would refuse to do it.
Of course we'll have Talia Shire back as Granny Daisy Moses. (she's in with Francis Ford Cuppola, you know, and that means the Mafia) And Burgess Meredith again as the trainer. Yeah, I know he's dead but we're not giving him lines, he'll just have to sit there looking glazed. Again. Call his mortician.

I got it. I got it! Saddam Hussein! He's available. He's mean. He's tough. Everyone hates him. They could have Saddam enter from a hole in the center of the ring, all full of dust and dirt, spider-web beard and all! He's a natural Weapon of Mass Destruction. It's a win win situation. (Well not for Saddam) But it'll work! He's the anti-Santa Claus. Elton John singing Rocket Man! Fireworks and tracers overhead. That green film from the '91 war. A terrorist section in the bleachers! Stealth Bombers in the night. And when Rocky knocks him out, we'll have him fall exactly like that Statue in Bagdad! Just ... friggin' ... perfect.

Opponents?


Hmmm, but why do I feel most of the hot money would be on Saddam?

 

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from Tuesday April 12, 2005

     Ex-conversation ...

Reporter -     "Mr. Chretien, some people are saying you might be involved in this so-called Sponsorship Scandal
                        have you anything to say about it?"
Chretien -     "I am glad you ask me about dat scandal t'ing. I am hopin' Mr. Martin will get to bottom
                        of dat Brian Mulroney scandal."
Reporter -     "Excuse me, Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, but I was talking about the Liberal scandal,
                         not the Conservative one."
Chretien -     "If you notice, Mr. smart guy Reporter, dat Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Joe Who, endorse  the Liberal party
                        one time before. Even he was ashamed of Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Brian Mulroney's behavior."
Reporter -     "I think you mean Mr. Joe Clark."
Chretien -     "Joe Who?"
Reporter -     (pause of perplexion) "But Sir, you are ignoring the current Liberal problems, with the testimony of
                        Mr.  Brault and all his allegations of corruption using taxpayer’s money.”
Chretien -     "We don't had no alligators in Canada."
Reporter -     "Pulease."
Chretien -     "First t'ings first. People are also wondering where Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Mulroney has been getting
                          all dat money for high living."
Reporter -     "But Mr. Chretien, I wanted to ...."
Chretien -     "Call me Mr. Ex-Prime Minister .... and everyone wondering if Mila goin' to return dat furniture."
Reporter -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, are you denying you have any involvement in this latest scandal?"
Chretien -     "I did not say fuddy-duddy, like Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Trudeau. I did not grab Iona Campagnolo's ass
                        like Mr. Ex-Prime Minister John Turner,  who did fall into a hole when Mr. Ex-Prime Minister
                        Mulroney appear on da scene. And no one follow Mr. Ex-Prime Minister John anymore.  And Mr.
                        Ex-Prime Minister Bordon get all dat war time scandal."
Reporter -     “That was in 1917!”
Chretien -     “See? I tol’ you so.”
Reporter -     “And John Diefenbaker is dead.”
Chretien -     “Oui. He die every day on da floor of Parliament.” (chuckle)
Reporter -     (sigh) "Sir, er, Mr Ex-Prime Minister, they say that Prime Minister Martin will sacrifice
                       you to hang onto power for the Liberals and ...."
Chretien -     "You might as well start calling him Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Martin."
Reporter -     "So do you think he'll last as long as Ex-Prime Minister Campbell?"
Chretien -     "He was Prime Minister?"
Reporter -     "KIM Campbell. SHE lasted almost 6 full months. She had no time to get into a scandal."
Chretien -     "Merde. Damn Westerners."
Reporter -     "She might have been honest."
Chretien -     "You know, I am proud I send Mr. Ex-Prime Minister Campbell to work wit’ dem morons 
                       sout' of da border."
Reporter -     (bigger sigh) You aren't going to answer anything about the current scandal,
                       are you Sir?"
Chretien -     "Montreal Canadienne not doing too good dis year."
Reporter -     "Yes, I hear Serge Savard is even implicated. And there IS no hockey this year.”
Chretien -     “Dat is not hockey. Dem new guy still got all dere teet’.”
Reporter -     "One last question, Sir ...."
Chretien -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister."
Reporter -     "Mr. Ex-Prime Minister, when Mr. Martin falls in disgrace, who will be the next leader of Canada?"
Chretien -     "Gilles Duceppe."
Reporter -     “Thank you Mr. Ex-Prime Minister.”
Chretien -     "Mercy."

 


hate Ozzy Osbourne?

Why? Because he talks funny? Because his music made him really rich? Because he's got Sharon and you don't?

Watch this video for a glimpse of his tender side and a universal message in a truly beautiful song.


 

              Dreamer

Gazing through the window at the world outside.
Wondering will Mother Earth survive.
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her, sometime.

After all there's only just the two of us.
And here we are still fighting for our lives.
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time.

I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away.
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days.

I watch the sun go down like everyone of us.
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign.
A better place for those who will come after us, this time.

I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away. (oh yeah)
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days.

Your higher power maybe God or Jesus Christ.
It doesn't really matter much to me.
Without each others help there ain't no hope for us.
I'm living in a dream of fantasy, oh yeah yeah yeah!

If only we could all just find serenity.
It would be nice if we could live as one.
When will all this anger, hate and bigotry be gone?

I'm just a dreamer, I dream my life away. (today)
I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days. (ok)
I'm just a dreamer, who's searching for the way. (today)
I'm just a dreamer, dreaming my life away. (oh yeah yeah yeah)

 

Songwriters:   Ozzy Osbourne,  Marti H.  Frederiksen,  Mick Jones.
Dreamer lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group
 

 


 from Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

    Frozen Woolly Mammoth sent to Japan

 

        The body of a frozen woolly mammoth has been discovered by a reindeer herder in a subarctic region of Siberia.  It has its trunk and eyes virtually intact and even some fur remaining, said Alexei Tikhonov, deputy director of the Russian Academy of Sciences' Zoological Institute. Wooly mammoths are thought to have existed between 40,000 and 10,000 years ago.
 

 

 

The Ice Age beast has been sent to Japan for study by scientists.


Bi-ig mistake.
The Japanese said they thought it would taste very good and were preparing vats of whale soup to go with it.

 

 

 

 

 


 

from Thursday, May 05, 2005

Our Fair Political Debate

Moderator - In the spirit of fair BC politics, unlike the television media coverage, we have invited candidates from all the running parties to participate in debate tonight about the issues most concerning British Columbians in the upchucking ... er, upcoming Provincial Election on May 17th ... or 18th. Nice to have you all here, certain parties did not send candidates, for whatever reasons. Just one note, our Marijuana Party member is on a day pass from his prison cell. So, we’ll get right to ...
Liberal -                     We did not sell BC Rail, it’ll be ours again in 990 years. We still own the rocks under the tracks, you know. The economy is great. People are all feeling wonderful!
Marijuana Party -    Yeah, sssswwwwwwwwttt, I’m feelin’ pretty good.
NDP -                         My old Aunt Martha isn’t feeling that great, we haven’t seen her for 8 months since you Liberals closed her hospital, we think she’s still in a closet in there!
Green Party -           We stand for more trees, more fishies and moosies and lakes and ...
NDP -                         There’s another leaked document, the Liberals are draining the lakes.
Marijuana Party -    Cotton candy, Man, there’s the thing. Sssswwwwwwwwwtt.
Green Party -           Please, don’t blow that smoke at me.
Liberal -                     Me either, I’ve had enough trouble with impairment.
NDP -                         You were mentally impaired BEFORE you took office.
Marijuana Party -     Hey, Man, ever smoke any of that pakalolo in Maui?
Liberal -                     Shhhh.
Green Party -            We’re for clean air.
Unknown Party -     So am I. Who let one?
Liberal -                     Sorry.
Green Party -            We’re for bears and ...
Sex Party -                We’re for bare naked!
Marijuana Party -     Coo-ol.
Moderator -               Can we talk about the issues?
NDP -                         The Liberals ARE the issues.
Work Less Party -   Some people don't know what the issues are .... because they're working too much.
Marijuana Party -     Some people don't know a Hoochie Mama from Ho Chi Minh either. Sssswwwtttt.
Democratic Reform - We should discuss STVs.
Unknown Party -     I don’t get that channel.
Sex Party -                Play safe, no STDs. We’re for public nudity and sex in the workplace. It would make for a much nicer day and a release of tension.
Liberal -                     And plenty of sunburn, what about Health Care costs?
Green Party -            ST V, the Several Transferable Vote.
Moderator -               Let's be serious. Do we want to transfer our votes or not?
Marijuana Party -     Whhhhhhheeeeooooooooooo. Transferred mine to Sparky last weekend. Look what I got for it.
Liberal -                     Psst! MaryJane Guy, got any papers?
Work Less Party -   We need to skip right to the 22 hour work weak, it would make more jobs. Excuse me a moment, I have to phone in sick for tomorrow.
Sex Party -                Make more time for sex. By the way, Green Party, you should show a bit of cleavage. Maybe hike up that skirt a little.
Marijuana Party -     Sssswwwwwwwwwwwwttttttt.
NDP -                         Whew, it’s hot in here.
Unknown Party -    Anyone got any spare change?
Liberal -                     Moderator, make them be serious. Let’s talk about what’s important to British Columbians.
Moderator -              We hope to define that tonight.
Green Party -           I’m for a greener BC. Quit exhaling on us!
Marijuana Party -    Dave’s not here, sssswwwwwwwwwttttt, want a hit, Man?
NDP -                         We are supposed to be here for BC voters. So they can decide stuff.
Marijuana Party -    I’m for BC, Bud.
Green Party -           Mr. Moderator, The Liberal is moving next to the Marijuana Guy, I think they’re making a deal.
NDP -                         He’s breathing deeper too.
Unknown Party -    Any spare change?
Liberal -                     We’re gonna change the world, tee hee hee.
Democratic Reform - What about ICBC?
Liberal -                     You won’t see it for longggggg. Giggle. We’re selling it to the Americans.
Work Less Party -   ICBC or BC?
NDP -                         Was that part of your plea bargain, Liberal? Ha ha.
Marijuana Party -     Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt. Yo, Green Party, save the trees, grow hemp.
Green Party -            We gotta stop sending raw logs out of the province.
Liberal -                     Okay, we’ll cook ‘em first! Har har har.
Marijuana Party -     Funny, Man. Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt.
Moderator -               Please, we need to pay attention. What about BC Hydro power dams?
Liberal -                     Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Haw haw haw.
Democratic Reform - Hey Liberal, is your Federal branch still gonna let Americans shoot torpedoes in Georgia Straight?
Unknown Party -     I’m hungry, anyone got potato chips?
NDP -                          Let’s try and concentrate here. Tee hee. Did you know you’re ears were crooked? Ha ha ha. Oops! Argh.
Green Party -            Did you hurt yourself, NDP? I’ll fix your chair.
Liberal -                     Ssswwwwwwwwwwwtttt. Leave her down there.
Green Party -            Sex Party, stop it! I’m not like that.
Democratic Reform - Gimme some of that ...... Sssswwwwwwwwwwwttttt.
NDP -                          Sssswwwwwwwwwtttt. Takes the pain away.
Marijuana Party -     Sssswwwwwwwwtttt. Wwwwoooohhhhhhhhoooooooooooo. The joint is jumpin'.
Unknown Party -     Pass it then.
Democratic Reform - What was I for again? Haha ha ha ha.
NDP -                          Delicious. Aar Aar Aar.
Sex Party -                Green, it’s ok, we’re only on radio.
Moderator -               Oh jeeze.
Liberal -                     Where did they go?
Green Party -            Oh, Sex Party, it’s been so long ....... oohhhh my.
Sex Party -                Green, You're a Babe!
Democratic Reform - What are you two doing down there?
Unknown Party -     Reforming democracy. Sssswwwwwwttt.
NDP -                         Chips anyone? This room is nice the way it revolves.
Democratic Reform - Anyone got dip?
Work Less Party -    Lotta dipshits in the government.
Marijuana Party -     Ssssswwwwwwwwwwtttt. I read where there’s an erection comin’ up soon.
Sex Party -                Hey, erections are in OUR platform.
Green Party -           Come back down here, I'll show you a platform.
Sex Party -                Woo.
Moderator-                Excuse me .... I think he meant the election. We're supposed to be talking about that.
Liberal -                     Or not. Haw haw haw haw. Swwwtttttt.
NDP -                         Who brought the munchies? Sssswwwwwwwtttt.
Unknown Party -    Any spare change? Sssswwwwwwwwwtttt.
NDP -                         I think some coins fell out of Sex Party’s pocket. He he he.
Work Less Party -   Forget it, the Liberal got it already. Sssswwwwwwwtttt. Ha ha ha ha.
Liberal -                     Burp. Haw haw haw. Mumble.
Marijuana Party -     Wheeez.
Moderator -              Marijuana Party guy, you are a candidate running from within prison and here tonight on a day pass, what time do you have to be back?
Marijuana Party -    Who's goin' back, Man?
...
..
.
Moderator -               Is that it then? No one going to even speak anymore? Are all of you content to just sit there with silly grins and float? ........                     You’re all darned lucky this is radio .........Ah, what the hell, gimme a hit .... Ssssswwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

 

note; the Unknown Party member was an apolitical dumpster diver who was only passing by hoping for a meal.
All other party members were authentically suppositional. Remember to vote on May 17th ..... or18th.                                                                                                                                                          or not.

 

 

 

from Thursday, June 02, 2005

   Today in history - - - June 2

  1924 - Congress granted US citizenship to all American Indians.

  Big of 'em.
    er ... shouldn't it have been the other way around?

 

 

from Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Things I learn as I get older

- you don't want to have your laundry hamper and your toilet in the same room if you get up at night.

- intestinal gas is not a propellant.

- I must have only dreamt I peed a hole through cardboard once.

- all those people weren't actually talking to ME.

-  prunes aren't funny anymore.

- if you wear dentures, don't spit while flushing the toilet.

- hair moves around under your skin to a different place.

- snoring is like a reverse alarm system.

- on the pleasure scale scratching a rash and good bowel movements are now tied for first.

- untying your shoelaces is way harder than tying them.

- the best way to keep your slippers on is to put your socks on OVER them.

- cover your mouth when you cough; it's embarrassing to spew germs all over. It's even more
              embarrassing to spew your teeth over the checkout counter.

- women's thongs worn backwards are not sexy.  On Grandma.

- to appear like a stud in a swimsuit, put the potato in the FRONT of your Speedo, not the back.  

 


 

from Thursday, August 31, 2006

 Air Canada - Brokeback Airlines?

The crew of an Air Canada passenger jet was forced to break down the cockpit door in mid-air after the pilot locked himself out when he popped out for a minute to use the toilet at the back of the Air Canada Jazz aeroplane. The bizarre incident occured with 30 minutes to go of an internal flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg. Hmmm. And it seems, aside from being funny, a little troubling. Apparently this pilot was talking on an internal microphone to the First Officer IN the cockpit during the incident. Hmmm again. Couldn't the First Officer have simply unlocked the door? Were they angry at each other? Was the First Officer afraid of the pilot? Why wouldn't he open the door? Was the FO having too much fun steering?

Pilot -     "Let me in, Bruce!"
First -     "No, you never let me steer."
Pilot -     "Just open the door."
First -     "Sure, sure, you're always nice when we're alone, but in public, oh no, then you ignore me."
Pilot -     "I won't ignore you anymore, just OPEN THE FRIGGIN' DOOR."
First -     "If you're going to swear at me like that ...."
Pilot -     "Bruce, this is embarrassing, the passengers who aren't terrified are laughing."
First -     "So I'm a laughing stock am I?"
Pilot -     "Sheeeez .... Anybody got a screwdriver?"
First -     "You won't find one, they're not allowed. Terrorists could use them."
Pilot -     "Bruce. please open the door."
First -     "No, you could be a terrorist."
Pilot -     "Just undo the lock, I promise I won't be mad."
First -     "I can't reach it, I'm busy steering."
Pilot -     "We'll say the lock got stuck. I'll let you land. "
First -     "......... Promise?"

The troubling thing is that Manon Stuart, spokeswoman for Air Canada, when explaining the 'event' said, "We investigated the incident and the crew followed standard operational procedure." What? They have a procedure for when the pilot locks himself out of the cockpit? Is it in a manual somewhere? Rule 5A? Just under Parachuting?
I'm not sure if it's funny or not?

 

 

Wisdom

  Give a man a fish and his belly will be full for the rest of the day ...

   Teach a man to fish and his belly will be full for the rest of his life.

 

   Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a while ...

   Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

 

 

from Sunday, May 14, 2006

Today in History . . . May 14

1643 - King Louis XIV, who would become known as the Sun King, became ruler of France.


 

 


King Louis

 

 

 

 

from Friday, August 18, 2006

 Astronomers - be fair, be fun.                               

As International Astronomers meet to redefine our planets this week, some are worried about the status of our tenth planet. Officially designated 2003 UB313, it was originally discovered in October, 2003 by Caltech's Michael Brown, Chad Trujillo from the Gemini Observatory in Hawaii, and David Rabinowitz from Yale University.


They are also deciding if Pluto is to remain classified as a planet. Recent addition 2003ub313, now more affectionately named Xena, is slightly larger than Pluto. Xena's sidekick moon has been dubbed Gabrielle. If Pluto stays in, then Xena must be included. The scientists are thinking that Pluto's satellite moon, Charon, might also be classified as a planet, even though it is small enough to be a 'Pluton'.


Well we need fairness in your decision, Messrs Astronomers, and a little lightness and fun in our immediate galaxy. If Pluto stays in, and Charon adds in, then Xena and Gabrielle MUST stay in.


There are thousands of amateur skywatchers here on Earth, peering into the glinting blackness above, who couldn't bear to have Xena and Gabrielle parted again. A single orbit takes those two worlds 560 earth-years. It's not about mimicking a tv show, it's about imagination and putting a little fantasy into science to make it more interesting and perhaps enticing to casual observers. Don't be xenophobes, give the Xenaphobes of the world something to hope for..

I, for one, would feel better if the names became official and knowing that Xena, the Warrior Princess and Gabrielle, her loyal companion are out there together forever. It would just make the scintillation of the night sky a little brighter.

 


 

from way back when . . .

Numa Numa Guy

By now everyone in the world has seen  Gary Belsma, but here he is once more

 

 

 

 

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.          -  Mark Twain
 
 
  -  top secret information - contact ANY government office anywhere anytime  - -   
 

   the original caterwauls bitchy blog is here > http://caterwauls.blogspot.com/

 

 

Wanna say your own stuff? Try a comment on our Rant and Roar forum - click here - 

* Fame  written by  Michael Gore and Dean Pitchford,  sung by Irene Cara 

           
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