Grey Power has
arrived. (gnarled fist in air)
The world is about to cross a demographic landmark of huge social and
economic significance, with the proportion of the global population 65 and
over set to outnumber children under five for the first time in history.
North America can now officially begin paying attention to us old people
instead of catering to the wasted young! Times, they are a changin',
as senior citizen Bob Dylan would say. Maybe now the powers that be will
start looking to us weathered old driftwood characters for direction and
The report, An Ageing World, forecasts that over the next 30 years the
number of over-65s is expected to at least double, from 506 million in
2008 to 1.3 billion – a leap from 7% of the world's population to 14%. In
Canada alone we now have more than 6,000 people over 100!
What can we old gray mayors and mares expect in our near future? Assuming
we can get there ....
Music: Well, maybe the radio stations will start forgetting the
bitching of Metallica about people stealing their 'music', and start
remembering Rudy Vallee and Bing Crosby. Where the blue of the night meets
the cold of the day and I haven't slept yet! No one steals their songs.
And laid-back Perry Como could make a comeback too. Yes I know he's dead
but he was never that full of vigor anyway so they could probably exhume
him and if he's been embalmed properly he'd be just about the same.
Imagine Perry with an iPod down his throat singing Barber of Seville with
Paverotti vocals! The 51st Shade of Grey will be coffin pallor.
Ocarina, around for 12000
The ocarina might make a comeback
too. Justin Beaver could be playing Miss the Mississippi and You
on a sweet potato whilst trying a new hair look. (remember
'whilst'?) Gangsta Rap will be a bully at crosswalks yelling
down the time count before the red light.
You might like to know that the song, Wait Till the Sun Shines, Nelly,
is now in public domain.
Elvis might come out of hiding, Paul McCartney will forget the words to
Hey Jude and Tony Bennett still won't go away.
Dress: Clothing styles will change. Haberdashers won't be selling
those hangdownyerassers short pants anymore. They're only good for hiding
your Depends anyway.
And they'll only make those skin tight neon latex body suits at the risk
of seeing grandmaws with matching electric blue hair on their way to Yoda
classes. For which thankful you will be. Not yoga, Yoda, because Luke and
Leia now need the Force to get up again. Octogenarians will be
charged if seen wearing a mini skirt in public. And cleavage will only
refer to cutting your finger off while chopping garlic.
Employment: There will be much more work from home because
employers won't be able to count on you even finding your way to work.
And because your retirement age is increasing and will likely be 75 soon,
your employer will probably just pay you to stay home rather than go in
and f#%$ up everything at the office! You won't want to be paid to go to
work anyway, it'll be good enough just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And
don't even imagine what Day Care will be like.
Food: No more late night candle lit dinners either. Because we'll
all be asleep, from pushing Happy Hour all the way back to 2 pm and
then sleeping through the six o'clock news. And more of us old folk will
die from drowning in their soup because they're too tired to sit up
straight at the table, or from burning down their houses with all those
candles! Home cooking will smell like singed eyebrows and burnt oven
gloves. Stoves will automatically turn off at 6:15 pm.
Gin and Ensure will be a fave. But Jello shots at bars won't.
No more rock candy even though it is a thing of our generation because we
can't tell the rocks from the candy! Only gummy bears in our future. And
Pud's Double Bubble gum on the bedpost will have dentures stuck in it!
Health: We will be healthier, we'll have to be to live so long.
Bowel movements will be the focus of conversations. Great ones the topic.
Why just yesterday I had such a good one ... How good was it? It was so
good I couldn't flush until I said goodbye! Check out The Bertrameister
below for the topic of flatulence.
We old people have more toilet time than movie theater time. My wife
visits her toilet so often it trembles when she walks by. Toilet tissue
will be the focus of our shopping too. 5-ply because old fingers get
sharp. And a separate room for hoarding it. Those pill ads on CNN will
finally stop because the side effects take too long to repeat, except
'may cause death'.
Literature: Archie, Captain Marvel, and Nancy Drew will become
literature. But maybe Kipling, Conrad and Twain will return to our
consciousness of good writing without spelling mistakes. And if you were
wondering if literature and flatulence could ever belong in the same
writing, go here and read about my Uncle Bertram,
Its reely gud.
Oswald Rabbit will finally be forgotten but we'll always remember Felix.
Transport: Cars will be different. Why, already they are starting
with innovation for modern times. I was in a new one the other day and it
had a fart bag! Really. Imagine that, to spare your passengers the
odorifious mixture of your morning porridge and prunes. There was a little
switch on the dash. It said, Pass Air Bag. How clever of them. I wonder
how many bags come with the vehicle that you can pass air into? Don't ask
me how it stays in there. Maybe cars will run on methane in the future?
Having your own fuel station will be having your own cow. And cows have
two stomachs so you'll never be without gas.
Sex: Ah yes, you were scrolling ahead for this one weren't you?
Well, you know how many older men have stents in their hearts don't you?
To keep the aorta open with healthy blood flow. These are implanted with a
balloon as in angioplasty. Ok, you're getting ahead of me aren't you,
thinking what a grand idea!
Well yes, the stent in your heart is a mesh metal tube, that when opened,
locks open! Now you're going there. Yep, no more need for the little blue
pill and a hopeful interlude. You'll for sure want to join that ladies
yoga class, (Not Yoda, yoga this time) to show off your metal erection
that will probably last 20 years! I think they'll solve the rust problem
Joan Rivers in 2035
And you ladies will benefit too.
Joan Rivers being a shiny example of what can be done with plaster of
Paris, paper maché and flesh colored latex. And a team of Botox doctors on
become a medical procedure.
Entertainment: New shows on TV will be like, So You Think You
Can Stand, Dancing with the Scars, American Idle and
Are You Smarter Than a Senile 92 year old? Hosted by a guy named Al
Zymers. A reality show might be, Watch Henry Eat, with a spin-off
being, Finding Henry's Teeth. Try to guess what Walker, Texas
Ranger will be about? Chuck Norris in a series of crosswalk
adventures? You're in trouble if you honk at him? But he won't kick ass
for fear of forcing a shart with his boot.
Opie will play the Andy Griffith role in Mayberry.
Old shows still spinning will be Wheelchair of Fortune with Vanna
White sitting at the edge of the stage saying, "Oh hell, they light by
themselves," and sipping her fifth martini while moving her vowels. One of
the sponsors will be the new Pat Sajak Fluffy Hairpiece, now in black.
Sports: Baseball could feature Ted Williams thawing! And a no
hitter will be just that. Even with T-ball. In the NHL it might be
impossible to differentiate concussions from senility. The skating warmup
will stop because too many napped on the bench after it. In the NFL a
Hail Mary will become an 8 yard pass. NBA will switch to hula hoops.
Soccer will make a shameful exit because 2 whole teams faked injuries at
the same time. There will be a chess scandal because Bobby Fischer played
two moves when Anatoly Karpov fell asleep. Ping might be popular. No Pong
because no one ever hits it back.
Movies: Batman 83 won't only be the version edition but his
age too! He'll be arguing with Robin over who has to remove the guano from
the Batmobile. Titanic will be remade again, this time with those
Avatar people fighting off the Nazi stealth icebergs. Everyone will
be blue with cold and the sponsor will be Florida Snow Bird Estates.
The Vampire craze will be over because every American who has a gun,
(that's all of them) will have at least one silver bullet in his chamber.
And the stars of Jackass will only be racing rocking chairs on the
edge of a 3 step porch. The Cocoon remake will star Don Ameche's
Politics: The president of the United States will be a Chinese
little person lesbian TG Buddhist Munster born in Mundovia who will start
a war with Texas. She will have won the presidency because no American
could find Mundovia on a US map to dispute her birthplace. Gipper Bush the
14th will win the war after starving out the rest of America from Canadian
oil and assume the presidency after a vote that includes only white males
with 'murican names, marksmanship credentials and a Stepford wife.
In Canada the government will have changed thirty-three times but no one
remembers and it didn't matter anyway.
Yes, our lives will change for sure. Having Grey Power will finally
set everything right. Evolvement will stop. Involvement may stop.
Volvos will go forever. The world will keep revolving, but a little slower
and we'll have what we want, whether the children like it or not.
Already, the number of people in the world 65 plus is increasing at an
average of 870,000 each month. Our ranks are swelling along with our gout
toes and prostates.
birthday Gramps, have some mush cake and Kaopectate or you can't go into
the hot tub again.
Be careful if you make fun of us, Grey Power has arrived!
Now get outa here before I take off all my clothes and do my Grandfather
Would you like gum or gin?